Lived Experience Forum

[Historylover]

I've been realizing something recently and it had come from the lifetime-ago utterances of the woman my ex-husband ran off with. Her prior, second husband's and her unit had been burgled and when asked if she thought it was because they were on the end of the unit row, she adamantly agreed. Exposed, vulnerable and unprotected like the other units which huddle in and are protected on all sides. That's how I feel–exposed, vulnerable and unprotected...and burgled.

My place in my birth family is tacked on the end too. Eight and ten years separate me from my older brothers. They are from a different world, a different time and I was, effectively, an only child. They went ahead of me and sullied the world I grew up in, and I had no option but to wade through the mess they had made with their youthful dalliances. My world was already tainted. It didn't need words or explanation. It just wasn't pleasant for a young girl. 

So there I am, tacked on the end of my birth family, and it has been like that ever since. That is my dilemma. I'm always tacked on the end–the late comer–in groups of any kind; and I am always left feeling that they are a cohesive group but I just don't fit it anywhere. And just as in my youth, I feel as though the world I move in has already been shaped and I can't be me, I have to adjust to others' misshapen worlds. And I can't, so I just don't fit in. 

The reason I'm thinking out loud here is that I was just looking online for 'I don't fit in' and there was a lot of advice to a lot of previous posters, none of which was relevant, and I don't think it would be helpful to anyone who feels as I do. So my question is: has my birth position wrecked everything for me for life? Is that my problem?

Others are only children and don't have this problem, but can it affect some of us all our lives? Can birth position affect us to this extent?

I have been feeling very low today and, as always, chewing the cud. There is such a pattern to my life and I have been unable to break into another slipstream. I'm feeling that I just can't go on much longer as no-one can live in isolation.

Today I've been going through some old e-mails that I exchanged with my oldest brother a year or so ago. It lasted for about two exchanges before it erupted. All those serious grievances that have been 'under the rug' began to resurface, as they should. Family have to be able to relate, discuss, remedy and reconcile, and we never did. We hadn't had contact for a couple of decades, and I really wanted to reach out and relate as we should always have done. He just doesn't respond to me–like I'm an alien he misunderstands at every point,  and doesn't want to think otherwise of me. My other brother doesn't even respond that much. I'm broken-hearted over this. We only have each other and they don't want me. And I need them so much. I just want to be a family like we never have been. I just hurt and I would be surprised if they didn't too. So why can't we just keep seeking common ground and be a family? Why can't they see how important this is? My heart is breaking.

[RedHorse]

So much of your post resonated with me @Historylover

I have two  brothers eight and eleven years older, and experienced childhood as an only child.

My relationship with my brothers has been strained to non-existent in adulthood, following a chaotic and traumatic childhood.

I am interested in forum members answer to your question about birth position as I've often wondered the same.

I won't say more about my situation and I don't have any words of wisdom regarding yours, but I want you to know that I have read your post and understand your pain.

Take care,

RedHorse 🌹🐴

[RedHorse]

Hi again @Historylover 

I forgot to mention in my previous post that I don't feel like I fit in anywhere either...

Except maybe here on the forum...

I'm kind of waiting for the bottom to fall out of that as well, because it always does.

Take care,

RedHorse 🌹🐴

[Appleblossom]

@RedHorse 

I hope you continue to feel you fit in here, and nothing happens to disrupt that.

@Historylover 

Birth order definitely has an impact on how we turn out. Its one aspect among others, eg sex or gender, culture, socio-economic position.  There are typical traits associated with different positions, but a lot depends on the individuals and significant events within the family constellation.

I kept reaching out   I wanted a family so much but circumstances did not allow that to happen for me.  I can relate to wanting to connect and getting rebuffed by nuclear and extended family. It was a complex web with a checkered history.  The individuals in our birth families have their reasons for being the way they are.  I am not struggling with it as much these days, though it was excruciating for decades, trying to be careful about whose toes I might tread on, hoping and hoping.

[Historylover]

Thank you for  your responses, @RedHorse, @Appleblossom. It was interesting to read your points of view.

And @RedHorse, re your: 

"I'm kind of waiting for the bottom to fall out of that as well, because it always does."

That's exactly the feeling I have too. Every time I post, I wonder if I am getting one post closer to doing my dash.

I hope you are both doing well.

[TuxedoCat]

@Historylover, my heart is aching reading this. I know that feeling of wanting to be surrounded by a loving family, but having it nowhere to be found ❤️ I know a lot of here have had similar experiences. 

While I'm not the youngest, I'm the oldest of 3. For me, my position as the eldest meant I had a lot of caring responsibilities while my parents worked late. I too felt like much of my life was predestined to be in this kind of role and long into my adulthood, I continued to replicate this dynamic.

For me, becoming more aware of this has helped me to challenge it and change my thought patterns around it. Regardless, you're not alone in your feelings ❤️ 

[chibam]

Hi @Historylover . 🙂

Sorry to hear about your family troubles.

I gave up on the idea of having any sort of meaningful relationship with any blood relatives a long times ago. It became abundantly clear that we could not comprehend one another at all; leading to a lot of false pretense and a lot of unwanted suffering, all to appease other people we share nothing meaningful in common with, when we attempt to force a relationship.

I just don't believe we are defined by our genetic code. I believe that the meaningful part of a person - the 'soul', if you will - comes from somewhere else, separate from the generic organ-sacs we pilot around this earth for a few decades. Hence, I don't believe that being cut from the same genetic cloth means there is any meaningful commonality between two people.

I've always sought to find my true family elsewhere.

But you are right about the circumstances of our births shaping so much of your destinies. If you aren't born into the right environment, you have very poor chances of finding your proper community.

Just as the soviets built walls to keep dissatisfied citizens from fleeing to more appealing countries, most societies prefer to bully their native-born misfits into conformity, rather then helping them find their true home and natural kinsmen. If you aren't born into an environment that favors your nature, your values & your ambitions, you are indeed at a disadvantage of ever being delivered to your true home.

My aunt is a teacher and some years ago she started going off on a rant about some students she had whom she didn't like, because she wasn't able to bully them into adhering to her values and ambitions. A teacher; who's job it is to set their young students up for their best shot at a successful life, and she refused to do so; because she didn't want anyone with values & ambitions contrary to her own to be able to thrive. It stirred a lot of reflection upon my treatment by my own highschool teachers, and the poor start I'd gotten as a result.

Had I been born into a society of my own people - in terms of values & aspirations, I know I would've fared much better.

That's my 2 cents, anyway.

[Historylover]

@chibam, it is so seldom we disagree, but on this occasion we do.

I'm of the opinion that societies can only prosper in the presence of a multitude of 'tribes' within the wider nation–we are all 'tribal'–with each tribal member looking after the other. It starts with each individual family and extends outwards. I regard it as a social responsibility. It also would keep government services and benefit reliance to a minimum.

It's why I have such affinity with healthy Aboriginal tribal ways–respect for elders, for custom, tradition, for nature, resources and environment etc. We all have a responsibility for keeping our respective tribes functioning, and it is also in our best interest.

My maternal tribe started out whole, then disintegrated when rivalry intervened. It never recovered. Those who stole (in various ways) to get ahead, who ensured their betters always failed, delighted in others' traumas and misadventures, have only achieved a lot of things which don't belong to them and which are inappropriate. They became hollowed out, shallow forms of themselves at great cost.

In such a healthy society there would be no mental illness, no crime, no homelessness and no people living on the streets etc. How close could we get to 'no'? I have no idea, because we have never tried to achieve it. We are all too busy, too able to turn a blind eye to others' plights, too preoccupied with unimportant matters. We are living in a very broken society and it is all coming home to roost.

I'm of the opinion that our society is in such a mess because our cohesive 'tribal' state has been lost to the point that it is everyone for him or herself. I believe that if we don't have family we become lost, and if we don't consider ourselves so, we are truly lost because that is where we belong.

I consider family to be the be-all to end-all. And if it is broken down, I have to try to restore it. I did with my own, and failed, but I had to try.

[chibam]

@Historylovernot sure I understand the nature of our disagreement. 😕 I agree that being with our tribe is essential; my point was merely that many of us are not born in to our correct tribe.

And while I do admire the aspirations of

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@Historylover wrote:
...a healthy society there would be no mental illness, no crime, no homelessness and no people living on the streets etc. How close could we get to 'no'? I have no idea, because we have never tried to achieve it

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it requires consensus in the definitions of "mental illness", "crime", and "homelessness"; which can be nigh impossible if you aren't surrounded by your kindred spirits.

To the people of the environment I was born in to, I might be "mentally ill", but not "homeless". I seek an environment where my views would not be considdered "mentally ill", and where my currant circumstances would be considdered "homelessness" (since I might have the bricks, mortar & postal address, yet I lack the people and meaningful relationships that, as far as I'm concerned, are the makings of a home).

[Appleblossom]

@Historylover @chibam 

I am in agreement with you both.

If only ... my unspoken wishes ...

History Lover your discussion of which social values are important is very similar to mine.  I have been in an ideal fantasy world about it all, as a distraction from my confronting reality.

The narrow mindset of the get ahead extended family and all the shame and rejection and poverty and pain of my birth family.  I do not wish to be like them.  I prefer to seek out people with broad scope in thinking ... and sometimes that overlaps with a thinking some call mentally ill ... but I guess it is my normal.

Distracting by watching a traumedy (new word for me!)... on sbs ... The beginner guide to grief.

Finally I have become a tv watcher .. lol ... we were the last family to get one when I was a kid, so I never knew what the others were talking about... now I know ... lol