Trying makes it worse

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Appleblossom I don't have real friends

I have some fake ones who just ignore me in crises 

My friend said she was too busy to help when I was holed up in hopsital for 3 weeks

She said she only has time for work and family

She went to Bali the next week

She was my emergency contwct. She was needed to advocate for me.

And it hurts a lot.

Other friends help more but some.are very weird about mh and don't reply or respond for weeks while on holiday and don't seem to get like that one was my one contact who had offered to contact hospital for me but it felt like she did it begrudgingly whole others are pro active and supportive 

[tyme]

Hey @EternalFlower ,

I'm hearing you. How are things?

[tonys]

I know it shouldn't be this way @EternalFlower ..  But I'm going to,  as always be brutally honest with you about friends.

This planet we share is spinning faster and faster every day.  Fuelled by the fury of the media, rivers of money that frustratingly won't rise to our fly.   Mortgages,  kids,  traffic,  covid,  divorce,  shrinking tax pool,  ageing population. . .  Honestly.  Friendship on that terrain is a very fluid situation at best..

And family,  People have to do a whole lot better than just be family to be my friend.

That anyone comes to my door,  even for a handout,  totally amazes me.   The demands on people and there time..   Its just cruel.   

In the ashes of that,   all we can reliably build is our own resilience.   Some people may want to be your friend but at times,   but circumstance robs their pockets of good intentions.

Example. .   @Appleblossom  I like to think of as a friend.    I'm crook and busy for a few days,  miss a few letters,   and next thing I know she's already been crook for a week with covid.   And me.   Lucky I just picked up the trail before the lap top chomped it.  Thats how it happens.   Far as I'm concerned 

she's always in my home,  but,  It would only take a low moment for someone not as strong as her to think I'd forgotten them. 

There are good people that want to be on your couch,   but quite simply,   they are stuck in the traffic  of a world gone mad..

Then,   yes.  There are those that suck the light from you,  but pay them no mind.  You just don't have the energy for that.    

You know who my very best friend is  @EternalFlower ..      Its  me..        Me and Me.  Back to back.

We'll take down all comers. You must nurture the best friend inside you.  Now,  If I'm not at your door,  It never,   ever,   means I'm not having some thoughts about you,  some where.   Just means me and myself have taken a break from the world n gone fishing on that great big mill pond in my mind.      My best thoughts are for you my friend..

Now...    @Appleblossom .  Covid..   awe mate,  and you didn't tag me.  Ok,  well I know now and I'm worried about you.  Yes I know how tough you are but hey.   Well just take extra good care n rest 

mate.

Hey  @Owlunar2 ..  Sent you a letter on another thread. But just thought I'd let you know again.  

My thoughts n prayers are with you.   You are frail .  Good self care is in the detail.

@Sophia1  Not sure if you are on this planet or debunked for another. Just letting you know,   I popped a good luck safety toy compass in your pocket.  Its goes invisible if you steel a glance but  its course is true,   and set for you.. 

Best wishes to all                                           tonys..

[EternalFlower]

Hi @tonys @tyme @Appleblossom @Oaktree @Owlunar2 thanks for ur advice, insight and wisdom

I got some healthy food and am also eating pizza.

So, like always, a bit of everything 

@tonys I'm glad u are.ok and thanks for Ur precious words. It is so true and you always say the right things

@Appleblossom are u ok dear?

@Oaktree I know what u mean about nature. Ur right ad wrll about people moving and it being normal

@Owlunar2 your words are always so true and hit the important part of things , thanm you. You wrote beautifully

@Sophia1 I want tonsay hello to you and send you a welcome 

I have been seeing two psychologists and have to choose between the two. I have my absent friend. I have new friends as well

I was thinking of what I don't like about how I feel so vulnerable Bow

I feel very destabilised and between care teams and it .ales me feel more vulnerable to abuse or harm gd forbid ...not to be morbid but I feel lost in the woods

I am so scared of being vulnerable and people seeing my softness 

[tonys]

Thanks for Mr Cole  @Appleblossom .  The song and the man are universal treasures..              tns..

[Owlunar2]

Hi @EternalFlower 

Fake friends we can do without  - it does hurt though - this brings up feelings of loneliness and isolation  - too much when we are vulnerable  - I understand 

I have a lot of contacts  - people in shops  - neighbours  - my medical team  - even strangers in the st

street  - I'm friendly and this is my social life  - also there are my support workers who assist me - it all helps 

But I have few people who are close and I don't feel I can ask them for help  - I have to rely on myself  - when I am not well this is tough 

The issue I have been having with my daughter is hard to take  - darn - I knew she wouldn't take it well when I told her about my feelings being hurt

So yes - I hear you  - and the problem is difficult  - but no one is to blame  - we are all limited 

We are here though  - and we are not fake friends  we a the real deal 

[Owlunar2]

Great post @tonys 

You have said some really true things about life here - and this is so to the point

People have to do a lot better than just be family to be my friend

Oh yes - I am more like my father's family - and my father - than my siblings - Dad's family has spread out across the world and many have died through age by now - and I probably have cousins I know nothing about - but those I do know I am fond of - and we had a great night after my uncle's funeral last year - and they all went home the next day - I stayed in Hobart a few days longer and it rained - I was okay though

Seeing as my parents have now passed - I have nothing to do with my siblings and this is fine with me. My daughter has disappointed me greatly - I didn't expect her to take my setting a boundary well - I hoped for better - it has been over two months since I heard from her and honesty - when I was sick in hospital I was really glad I didn't have her on the phone everyday trying to cheer me up - I was frankly not in the mood to have the good day everyone seemed to think I should be having.

Yuck.

So family - yes - they need to be different - if they are not - we have to ask ourselves the hard question - to I need this person in my life? 

Perhaps we don't - perhaps we wait - I am waiting - my door isn't closed and I don't bear any grudges - 

I am my own best friend - and I do examine my choices carefully - and - I like what I like and don't like other things and certain issues irritate me. And I hate cauliflower.

Self-awareness is a great thing to have - as are boundaries.

Thanks for that great post Tony

Mumma Bear

Owlunar

[Oaktree]

@Owlunar2 @EternalFlower @tonys @tyme @Appleblossom @Sophia1 

Hi guys, 

Just reading over some of the recent posts here. Sorry I don’t always keep up.

Mumma Bear you are always so wise! I guess that’s because of your maturity. Sometimes we do have to ask if this person needs to be in my life? It can be friends or family members. I have had to close the door on some family due to the unhealthy ways they were treating me. My elderly Aunt for example. Several years ago I shared with her that I wasn’t very well at the time. She continued to ask a lot of me and my husband every time we saw her. Finally she tells me that we kids are good for nothing and the greatest disappointment of her life. We are not her kids even, we are her sisters’ kids. And her sister, my Mother does not have contact with any of us (6 kids). So I broke contact and haven’t spoken to her since. I have previously had no contact with my sister but we are talking a little again now. It really hurts when you are hurt or let down by someone you cared about. But sometimes you need to let that relationship go for your own good and wellbeing. You know what they say about friends? Some are for a season, some are for a reason and some are for a lifetime. I only have two real life friends. I have moved around a lot during my childhood so I don’t have any old friends. 

Anyway I wish you happiness @EternalFlower 

I believe in you.

Choose the psychologist that you trust the most. Trust is so important in a therapeutic relationship. Good luck!

Meggle

[Appleblossom]

Ooh @tonys @tonys @tonys Dont take anything I do or dont do, to heart. Just keep on keeping your big heart beating.  I am fine. Maybe even better than my puta! Which also has a dreaded virus but we dont know which letter or name, or the shape of any protein is involved.  Its telling me a lot of the time I cant have internet access and then after a day ... of no use... it lets me online .... oh Miracle of Miracles. I refuse to be worried or bamboozled about it.  I just go and amuse myself with garden and music and pencil and paper.  I thought it was really the end for the poor sod but it came good this afternoon.  If I drop out. I wont panic.  I will go about my business, whatever that may be, and eventually that will probably mean I up back here.

I am more worried about you. You just got out of hospital.  How is Rehab? Will it be long? Did I read something about your bookkeeper.  Are you back on the ranch?

Love your post to  Eternal 

Love wot @Owlunar2 said. I have found that " being friendly" is best too.  Keep it an adjective not a noun. Then nobody gets judged and found wanting.  

and @Oaktree 's posts too. 

We Hooman Beans are a strange lot.  God I have been uber sensitive, but the Uber Man was supposed to be one strong dude.  Gotta remember me armour.  At least Virtual is lighter than chainmail.

@EternalFlower 

Expectations are part of the problem.  I have heard all sorts of things about friendship.  Sometimes we compare friends and family. Sometimes its useful. Sometimes its not. Sometimes we mythologise it and everybody can be found wanting.  But that is often what people do dream big cos not to dream can be crushing. 

At the beginning of this year I started a social re-engagement thread. I had enthusiasm and optimism but somehow got burned and became very triggered.  I keep adjusting and learning and reaching out trying this and that.  There has been a little bit of forgiveness needed and given, and a little bit of calling out and confronting, and a few bad mum jokes. I am not going back to the thread cos I am focussing more on the in real life stuff than on the forum. It seemed best to let it go.

I am still on the journey, and have more contact in my life, but none of them are people to call in an emergency and I accept that. I will call fire if fire is the problem.  I get easily triggered by all sorts of words that people just use.  "Nice person" gets me all uphet.  I have always felt on the outer with regards to niceness being handed out and now I have to laugh at myself at how touchy I am about it.  My insides take a deep dive but then I have to get it into perspective. They are only just talking and communicating, dont let perceptions of perceptions get me all distraught.

Find your own way.  We can learn from others and how they do things and what works etc, but your own way, is what counts for you.

Tonys

Dont worry about me coughing and spluttering when I cant pass on any germs here.  I have had more people being kind to me in last few weeks, than last few decades.  They are not even being paid for it. How is that.  My big fear is that I act out of my fear.  Which is MASSIVE.  Anyway I am still alive and kicking.  Maybe not goals or butts, maybe just a pebble back onto someone's pebble patch.

[tonys]

Ok @Appleblossom   Thats good,    your livin..   Just watch out for that   Unforeseen word.   It is one of my favourite words,  but hey. . .   lets face it.   It is a plutonium rod a t best. 

I'm now going to give you a definition of honesty.   Here goes.   After I read your post I had to google just what the hell an adjective is. . . Ok     I'm learning.

Take good care Appleblossom ..                   tonys..