Trying makes it worse

[tonys]

Hello Eternal   @EternalFlower .    You OK mate.   Its always the small hours hey.  When the earth teeters  on its axis,  as if caught  between two choices,  neither of them good.   We all hold our breath while it decides should it grant us one more  day .   will we even appreciate it.   One more chance to see things as they are.   To step of the path so stubbornly adhered too,  and give,   genuine thanks,  that the sun came up one more time.

I never told anyone this but when security camera's first became affordable,  many years ago,  I installed one in every room.   I  wanted to see myself for who I really am.   When I  became other 

people.  The   Moods ,  terrors,  self pity,  anger,   denial .    When I sat down and played the footage,

hours of it every night,  it  frightened me.    I always talk to mirrors,   but  they,  like people,   are sycophants.   Mouthing my delusions back at me. 

The camera. . .   He doesn't lie.   I know because it was agony   to watch.   

And so bit by painful bit,   I excised most of those people from me,  Some stayed on.   Some come n go.    But mostly its just empty rooms where only ghosts of them remain.

I have to be vigilant.  Watch the cameras now and then,   for empty rooms are fertile ground and those demons need no invitation to a weakened mind. 

The camera's  didnt cure me as such.  Just helped me see the truth so I'd have a foot hold on the self help mountain.

Nothings easy mate.  I hope you can take a little something from this,   and think about it one day

my friend.

I think about you Eternal,   I think one day you'll wake with a knowing smile,    painted by your  hand.

Peace mate..                                                your friend                tonys.

@Glisten ,   saw your light flicker.            @Sophia1    Hi ol mate.                                  tonys

[Sophia1]

Thank you my friend @tonys 

Sophia

[Sophia1]

Very moving and deep to read @tonys 

You have great strength and insight to be able to not only set up the cameras, actually watch the replay.

Then one after another.

That takes so much  depth, determination and towering strength from within.

You have taught me even more about yourself.

I know that you have revealed this to share some of your life experience with @EternalFlower .

I am thinking in a gesture to let her know that she is not alone with her suffering.

Each of us suffer in our own unique way. Our suffering also from our own unique experiences and or conditions.

Suffering is suffering. It can help us regain ourselves slowly, slowly, gradually.

So important to have support in as much as we can and not do this alone.

You have brought my mind to my family member who  experiences what you saw in the mirror in his own way. He has reached out to me at these times over the phone and I have stayed with him listening, until he is ready to leave. Often with a "I am busy I have to go now" as though none of that occurred. I cannot begin to express how painful that is but he must be able to express and or ride out these moments to one person in his life.

I know deep inside that he feels my presence even if he does not remember. There is no addiction. There is a long term untreated unwell mind. How can you accept treatment if you truly believe that you are not unwell?

Every time you delve into your feelings Eternal you are reaching a better understanding of who you are, through your pain not because of your pain.

You are strong.

I am thankful that you have @tonys and @Appleblossom here for you.

Remember to keep on trusting your instinct.

Bye for now

your friend Sophia

[tonys]

Yes ,    well thats just it hey @Sophia1  .    Until  the parasites are revealed to the host and the host acknowledges,   a treatment cannot be effected. 

We all have ugliness in there somewhere.   Its the human condition .  Sit with it,    acknowledge it.  Maybe even  love it a little if you need it.      And if self improvement is on your bucket list,    then by all means,  work on it.                          Just  don't deny it.        That jacket looks downright silly on us.

Me ,    I like the dark in me,   and the light.   Its a mess in here,  but I need every last piece of crap, 

to be. . . me.                             

Hope a warm thought    swallows you  whole.                                                                           tonys

@EternalFlower   @Appleblossom   @Owlunar2   anyone  flipping stones.

[Appleblossom]

The jacket of denial @tonys another worthy phrase you wise man you!

@Sophia1 Gentle hugs

Yes we all do suffer. Everybody has their moments. Some nights of the soul are longer and some darker.  For a while I thought it was best to look for the value in darkness and that not all white is good.  Eg Blinded by the light, and the wealth of fertility in a good dark soil.

@EternalFlower Good you are seeing some resilience within.  Great you like your new doctor.  Personal traits and temperament we can only do so much with ... in our journeys of personal growth. Sure a chill factor can help, and pushing oneself can have a place, but not to breaking point.  Finding balance in those and other aspects of being is the challenge we all have.  

Sorry about that support wkr's lack of ability to build rapport.  It is a problem as 'support' looks different for different people.  I try and adapt and get along, but am finding a level where self care means to draw a line.  We have to be honest about our expectations of others.  There is only so much a person can do.  I struggle with it, but we can conjure up so much or change so much.  When I did counselling course they had the stat ... 30%. We can only change 30% So we need to do a lot of self acceptance.  We cannot even control which 30% of us does the changing.  Some bad habits die hard no matter how hard we try.  I like tonys story of self improvement and change.  It shows it is possible but usually gradual.  Build on your strengths and keep hope.

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Appleblossom I like what u write about standing ho for urself

I am a pushover with these workers I keep getting used

My sc was meant to cancel a worker today and forgot so the worker showed and it was pretty stressful

Eek and ick

I like Ur understanding of ndis and calm approach 

It is what it is.

@tonys how is Ur day going and ur headspace in the hospital. Hope u are doing OK. Do u have a qindow and a sky to peek?

@Sophia1 I was wandering how u are going and finding the forum....if everything is ok?

Today is not so easy

Lots of miscommunication and no visitors and an ndis flop as well and my anxiety everywhere over cancellations

[Oaktree]

Hi @EternalFlower 

Sounds as though you have had an awkward and difficult day. You are doing well enough, good on you! Holding good thoughts for you.

Meggle

[Sophia1]

Hello @EternalFlower @Appleblossom @Oaktree 

A quiet hello to Tonys.   I think that he is meant to be resting more as he is supposed to be rehabilitating. Just imagine every time a forum member writes to him his laptop going ping.

@EternalFlower I think that you manage quite well with some apathetic people who are meant to be "support" workers.

Remember your intuition and be guided by when to remain silent to get "anything" out of the worker.

When to do your own thing. You can always switch off when they are talking sing your favourite song or take notice of something nearby.

Remind yourself that you are the more intelligent person. You would not treat others like that. You are the expert of you. No matter how indifferent you are.  You too can play their game. Outfox them.

Then when they are gone work out which staff you can talk to.

You also talk on here by writing.

You have the helplines.

You have your new home which will take time to settle into. That is the way it is for everyone.

Have your favourite things in sight for when you first walk in the door.

Have something comforting near your bed.

Have your favourite music sorted to listen to.

Try to remember what last made you laugh.

Then try to remember what you said or wrote that made someone else laugh.

I am feeling a bit better than I have been, Eternal.

Life keeps on throwing up at me. That is life. I either step over the throw up or clean it up now.

Some days I rest because I have little energy. Other days I try to at least notice something different or do something different no matter how small.

My garden, nature helps me the most. I talk to the birds and the butterflies. I notice new flowers..

What can you see in nature close to your new home. Trees? Flowers? There were clouds here today.

I love the clouds and the different shapes.

Thank you for asking after me lovely lady.

You have your friends checking in on you when they can.

That tells you how important you are.

Remember that.

Hugs and take care

Sophia

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Sophia1 we are watching over @tonys and always thinking of him here

Hospitals are hard

I feel so guilty letting workers go

I have a nice one. She is young but very good. When she came unannounced I got stressed which is not her fault..I used her for the shift anyway since she was there. I was anxious

 It didn't help so much 

I needed to be alone probably

 Which is ok.

I'm wandering if things are settling down for you, is it calmer these days ? The garden and the trees means you're in a good place, able to connect. Do you walk as well? I hope it's not too overwhelming being back here and it is a nice way to reconnect. I needed the forums sometimes to help me find my feet.

I know it is not perfect.

I went to the cinema last night which was a treat. I don't go out much and am mostly limited with phone calls and workers.

The new space I live in is not feeling right to me. Step by step. I don't connect to it so well. 

[tonys]

https://youtu.be/uIbXvaE39wM?si=FFlzYItgc0LsnKe0    Just gotta keep holding on @EternalFlower 

Giving up. .  ?    Mate,  you just don't even know how.   Long as there is breath in you,  you'll  be looking out to sea.     Waiting for that one perfect sunrise.   Your  never  alone Eternal.                       tonys