Trying makes it worse

[Appleblossom]

Aaah @tonys Sorry about the guy 2 doors down .... so glad to see you sailing the high winds... even when flat on your back in a hospital bed.  Keeping hopeful you will get back on dry land soon, and back to your bookkeeper.  It has been so good to know you. I will smile when I remember you.

@EternalFlower I am not too bad.  Glad you have friends who help.  Lucky even.  There are interests and needs, and we all need to figure out our priorities.  I did not like cooking but adapted easy meals from restaurants I had worked in. Lollies were not a thing when I grew up and I did not want to ruin my kids teeth so kept a limit on it as a mother.  Glad my kids value real food.  Food and nutrition is a non  negotiable. There is a lot of choice and information on the internet as to how you make it personal, re needs and taste good for you. Good luck with it all.

[Owlunar2]

@tonys 

Hi Tony on Moon Base 1

I'm sorry to hear about your loss - your friend in your street - all these things happens and often unexpectedly - and I really care about that - sending through thoughts that might help - there are no words though. No right words at all. 

Maybe purple velvet ideas from the past

@Appleblossom 

Hi Apple - I will catch up on my thread I guess - thinking of you too though.

@EternalFlower 

Life sounds really tough - picking up the pieces always is - it's like doing a jigsaw in the dark - bits here - bits there - weep a little - mop up and start again. Aw - I do understand.

I've been there in the past - I didn't know where to start in the morning - it was all patchy - how did I deal with it all? Bit by jigsaw bit I think - and in reality - I know now the picture was nothing I thought it would be - actually - over decades time - it's better

Best thoughts

Owlunar

[EternalFlower]

Beautiful imagery about her hands and the cards

Thank u @tonys 

@Appleblossom nice to have friends but hard today without more support, my aunt is only one I talk to and she hasn't answered calls all day. She is a bit mean to me sometimes

@Owlunar2 sorry to read about things with Ur daughter, how are things with her at the moment? Pieces are everywhere here

I am not feeling so good today, very isolated

[Owlunar2]

I'm sorry you feel isolated @EternalFlower  - that's really an unhappy feeling 

It's hard to reach out sometimes  - I get what you are saying - it's as if everyone is a long way away and no one can hear 

We can sometimes feel very isolated in a crowd  - people speaking without listening  - and it all feels empty 

I hear you 

Owlunar 

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Owlunar2 @tonys 

A friend came over today and bought flowers

She said "no reason"

We are not close but she knows I'm in deep depression and it was quite sweet

I have had so much kindness from strangers

I feel so unworthy 

[tonys]

Hi   @EternalFlower .   Mate.   every time I went to key a post to you,  some one walks in the room.

How many times can they take someones vitals before its a breach of the Jenever Convention..

I'm a bit slow Eternal.  but  if total strangers think your worthy and come a calling,   flowers in hand.

How is it,   you think your unworthy.   Conundrum...   Forget I said that.  You are still searching for you..

Till you find ..  You,   Little I say will  have you seeing   All of yourself,   and your place in reality.

I imagine that is the shape of the beast.   Depression.   Wish I could swap with you and carry your load,   just for a few days..   give you a break.   This couch we share is getting a few holes my friend.

But its ok.   I know it takes time.   Mate ..   I got time.   

Ups ..    downs..   round n rounds,    We just keep at it till the crows have all flown out of you.

Rn   nailed me with a syringe the size of a garden  hose  and I best go before it irons me out.

Time mate,     Be patient ..                                   nite Flowers                                               tonys..   

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower what a lovely gift from your friend, and you have friends here. We all have to find a balance in giving and receiving and just being. Life is difficult for most people. Your aunt may have other issues. Even if they present a cheerful front. It is full of challenges, rejections, duties and boring tasks, but there are moments .... and we learn to treasure the moments and not expect too much more than the universe can give.  How is your art and writing going... when you settle in your new place remember to get back into your own creativity.

[EternalFlower]

hi @Appleblossom 

i'm still struggling a lot to settle into the new place

everything hurts and i feel like i've lost everything 

i don't know how to do it anymore

my gp is very positive that i needed a second opinion and a new dr and i have found someone more experienced who has accepted me for an appointment in 2 weeks

just all the trauma and rejection of the hospital and homelessness have broken me

i try with my aunt but she snapped at me today massively and said she can't deal with me today

i said i felt judged by her regarding what happened with the dr and she said it was jsut my own guilt acting up

i dunno

i've taken space from her

i feel unsafe everywhere

i hope you are doing ok and enjoying ur creativity. are u watching or reading anything nice

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower 

Good your gp is going well and you are on lists for support, with Psych dr and spectrum etc.  

The way we use language matters.  I am always saddened when I see people write about being broken, because I do not believe that, its almost like we anthropomorphise animals and now we do it to machines and stuff.  I even say ... I have too much on my hard drive, brain is too full or things like that.  The cognitive habit of saying we are broken has a tendency to block possible growth and healing.  

I am not sure if you use mantras or prayer but try and focus on healing things for you.  There is help around the corner and gently move into your new space figuring out what you can do with it to make it feel home.

I am chugging along, not too fast, slow is good.

[EternalFlower]

enjoy the slow pace @Appleblossom 

its true humans are very different to objects that break

i keep reading about people whos therapists abruptly end sessions with them and they seem so hurt years later and i don't want that for me.

i think i am making myself sick reading all the stories

i guess also every situation is different

i am taking a break from my aunt and have got in with a really special doctor after receiving a few rejections ("declined")

i think also my ndis was a disaster until i got a support coordinator, i was doing it all myself and my workers weren't showing up

my dr suggested i organise the workers to help me move but the two i had were flakey and rude and just cancelled in the 2 weeks before my move

now i have a reliable team through agencies but that kinda led to all the drama with the dr

i told him it was a bad idea and my workers weren't likely to help me move because they didn't take the job seriously