Lived Experience Forum

[lotus85]

I go between 2 mindsets. 1. I feel like im too critical of him, especially after the distance we have come, and 2. The woe is me I hate this.

I know it's not a healthy relationship, and I know I neglect his needs and am emotionally and physically distant. And depending on my current mindset depends on who I feel sorry for. Him or me. How r ppl out there having healthy relationships, being happy with things. Seems so foreign. I've been with him since I was 19. I think I lost a lot of who I am in the early yrs, but I was so young I never really learned who I was anyway. So I don't even have a baseline of... who I am supposed to be, ya know. Neither of us r good for each other, but here we r. Articles say do more of what u used to enjoy... I was 19, it was dancing at the pub. Not really an every wk kinda thing I wanna be doing any more. No hobbies, or interest in finding one. 

The last 6-12 months I have found myself thinking about all the sh1t from when it was real bad, almost constantly, which is totally unhealthy and feeding my feelings of resentment and whatever toward him. It's making me worse, but I can't stop it. My mind just wanders back. I think it makes me more sensitive to the things he does so it affects me more than it used to. How do I do this, how do I be ok with what is. How do I live in the present and appreciate the distance he has come, or am I too broken to be able to. I dunno.

I do appreciate the support and replies on here, sorry if I don't acknowledge it much.

[Appleblossom]

@lotus85   Depression is often energy thwarted. Annooyance can be an energy to get you going again.  Sometimes it can be a helpful step to acknowledge the mixed upness of things.  Maybe there can be a new type of grumpy dance move you can do in the bathroom when nobody is looking ... lotus are pretty cool ... they grow from muddy circumstances and bloom and blossom.

[lotus85]

I wish I could just bloom already.

Surely I was happy or content at some stage, but it feels like a foreign concept. And I feel so ungrateful and horrible because I feel this way. Not even sure y I'm writing here. I'm at my kids concert looking around at all these ppl. 90% of them r totally normal, happy, content in their lives (mostly at least). I get noone has it perfect. But how r they where they r. How r they ok. I'm sitting here holding back tears and they r smiling and watching the kids. I'm trying to be present for my kid, (they r setting up still as I write). I know I shouldn't compare myself to others but it's so hard not to.

These r not my favourite meds... not by a long shot.

[Former-Member]

Hi @lotus85 

Maybe Like them, try and focus on the kids.

Talk about that with your kids

Worth trying to shift your focus at this event

[tyme]

Hey @lotus85 ,

Thank you for sharing. It is true that when things happen, we are tempted to compare ourselves to those living on  a bed of roses - families who seem to have it all together. Families who seem to be living the life. I am guilty of comparing myself to others too... yet it brought me into a deeper depression.

Yet it is also important to be reminded that roses have thorns. Life may 'seem' rosy for them, but is it really?

As a peer worker, I have been to homes - people who have the best cars, multi-million dollar houses, children going the most prestigious private schools... yet I can only say I would never covet them - the hidden pain and hurt some of these families go through is unimaginable (this is only my experience. I am not generalising this to everyone).

Yes, life is certainly not perfect. 

Embrace what you do have, in case it passes by and you miss that too - your children, your health etc. 

We are here to support you.

I acknowledge it is so hard right now. Just hold on.

[Emergence]

Hi @lotus85 ,

I'm going through some of my open browser tabs this morning when looking for support for my own issues. I saw this one and it reminded me immediately of your post here.

https://dvassist.org.au/am-i-experiencing-domestic-violence/quizzes/am-in-an-emotionally-abusive-rel...

I hope you're doing well.