Lived Experience Forum

[lotus85]

I've struggled with depression for over 15yrs, been with my partner for 18. I'm a doormat and he is a narcissist. He was a junkie for the first years of our relationship, maybe 5 or more. Pretty sure our relationship is what triggered, and continues to feed, my depression. He has told me that my depression is a cop out. 

But he has been having some issues at work lately, and has the ordacity to ask me to make him a gp appt for a mental health check. R u frigging kidding me. I'm a cop-out but ur allowed to not be ok. How double sided is that. It's not fair. I get made to feel like a lepper but he expects me to what? Be there for him? Ffs. Of course I did it, but It feels like a gut punch. I will shut my mouth and not stir the pot, because I don't talk to him about issues with me. I can't, I get made to feel like a selfish piece of shit when I do. Just shut ya mouth and be a good lil wifey. F I hate my life sometimes.

[Former-Member]

If this is the day in day out reality of your relationship, maybe it is time to look into other options (ie leaving).  I know it's hard, especially with the cost-of-living crisis.  But from what you have written it sounds miserable.  

Perhaps you could go to Relationships Australia for some counselling.

[tyme]

HI @lotus85 ,

Sounds like a tough situation. @Former-Member  made a good point about contacting Relationships Australia. Alternatively, maybe reaching out to1800RESPECT 1800 737 732?

https://www.1800respect.org.au/

It doesn't sound sustainable to be in a place of having depression triggered continually.

You deserve to survive and thrive.

Please take care. I look forward to seeing how things go for you.

[Former-Member]

Hi @lotus85 

I feel for you in the situation you are in.

It is great you are venting on this forum.

I hope while he is at work it gives you space to get your energy and mental health back.

Sometimes we do have to be quiet with the partner. If not whatever we say how small it is can ignite a tirade.

Not a good way to live. But it can help.

I hope Sane and Lifeline are good to vent while you work out where you think things can change.

I fee for you and l am aware some people refuse logic and reason

[lotus85]

My day to day at home is avoidance where I can. I still have to sit and listen when he wants to talk, but I am just 'uh huh, yeh, ok". I don't talk to him about my sh1t anymore, it's not worth it. It gets twisted or used against me and I feel worse then before I started talking (lucky I have good work friends that I can talk to). 

Don't get me wrong, hubby has come a long way since the early yrs, I mean I am allowed to go out, on occasion, if I promise to get him sex when I get home. I also am aware that the outing will be exaggerated at our next argument and used against me... but I am allowed. I never used to make it out the door. Progress I guess.  I went out 5 times with the girls last yr, and in several arguments that we had, I was out every other wkend, I didn't wanna be around him, I'm just selfish and kept telling me I'm full of shit wen I tried to correct him about it being 5 times only. I was just a liar.

This life, however sad and unhealthy is still better than being a junkies Mrs (lying about being paid, stealing last of my money to feed us, being abandoned all day and night, lies, being woken up at 2am to fight because he is high and has to respect for me, home invasions where ppl r looking for him, prison visits... I was even guilty into driving over an hr each way 3 days post birth when I was sore and couldn't walk properly to take his son to prison and visit him, he was in for drugs).. but I did it. I allowed all of it. And I continue to allow the traits he has, put me down and feel like a terrible person, I guess because he improved and I didn't leave then so now I have to live this.

I have tried to leave over the yrs. He threatens to 'K' himself, says I will be taking him away from our kids, I am destroying everyone in our family because I am a selfish piece of sh1t. How dare I be so selfish, how dare I ruin my kids, I couldn't survive financially nor could he. He is definitely right on that part these days. But I undo it and stay. And everytime, I hate myself more.

I'm distant, avoidant only talk to him if I have to. I say yes to sex now because I don't want the fight (I don't want sex at all, I thought it was my ADs so I've been trying different ones, to the detriment of my mental health, to try and please him. Turns out it's me with no drive, no the pills) can't even fix that.

[lotus85]

I get he is struggling atm and I should be there 4 him, and even care. But I don't want it. It doesn't feel fair that he should get my support, being he is the main cause of everything that has ever traumatised me, ya know. Makes me feel dirty hearing him open up, which is horrible Ik. But I have been there for him over the yrs... right now I feel dirty being in my life. I hate it here. Maybe I just need to go back on my old ADs. Numbing can be bliss.

[Former-Member]

Hi @lotus85 

When we forgive others, it is for our benefit. Not theirs.

I hope you have some relaxing thoughts when he is not there.

It is not fair you support him so much and get no support in return.

Life is often not fair.

We need to manage with what we can control

Sorry your situation is not ideal.

I hope you find some time for you today.

[hanami]

Hi @lotus85 

Thank you for sharing your story It sounds pretty rough. I know you say it's better than being with a junkie but you really don't deserve to be treated poorly by a partner (or anyone for that matter). That you have to promise sex if he allows you to go out is manipulative and a form of coercive control. Read more about that here.

You really do deserve better. You are worth that. 

If you need, here are some numbers that might be helpful.

If you feel unsafe right now, call 000 (triple zero).

For 24/7 crisis support, contact:

• 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732

Please take care

Hanami

[Former-Member]

Hi @lotus85 

My last reply was for your short message after this long post.

I missed the long post.

Your situation is shocking.

Sorry my reply did not see this.

I feel for you.

I hope you get good input on this forum.

Very sad situation.

[Appleblossom]

@lotus85 

There is so much that goes on in a husband and wife relationship. I know people who stick together when things are hell and others who leave.  I find it wrong when people pretend their marriages are better than they are.  Find your own path, within or outside of the marriage.  Your choice and your control. I get that you have time between you and have lifted out of seriously bad circumstances.  

There is a lot about people pleasing and learning assertiveness skills on the net.  Browse around and see what speaks to you.  It is good you are annoyed. It is natural in the circumstances.  It may be part of your inner strength speaking.  Dont be too silent about all the mental health stuff.  Find your voice instead of returning to meds ... that is my bias I confess.  I am guessing you are robust enough, but do what you have to do.  

Take Care

Apple