Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hello,

I visit the forum on and off. I am pretty bad with consistency in anything.

I don't even know where it starts and where it ends. All I know is that slowly but surely not only my past is being stripped away, but I am losing my identity in life. Soon without work, without the career I have worked my heart out for and a husband who is becoming more and more desperate because he doesn't understand me. I don't understand myself.

Will I ever heal? Will I ever understand what others are trying to teach me? Will I ever be able to live that way? Will I be able to change? Cope with the changes? Yeah, I'm strong and always have been, but I am so tired of life, so tired of fighting.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

Welcome back to our little forum and I'm glad you popped in to say hello and share some wonderings that many here struggle with.

It sounds like you are n a period of uncertainty with work changes (was that your choice or due to illness?), and some strain in your marriage.

Will I ever heal? That's the big question that all with a ongoing illness grapple with, and there's no single answer. With mental illness, what seems to improve things for most is some combination of good counselling/therapy, medication (not always effective), education about your illness, good support network and reducing stress in your life. I would add to that healing love, from whatever source it comes from (not always where we expect to find it).

The battle with MI is exhausting and it's important to establish good self care, and keep moving forward, even slow steps. Change is probably part of the process.

Hopefully others can contribute here from their lived experiences - I'm sure you will get good support from other members.

Take care of yourself,

Frog

[Change123]

@Former-Member

Its a long road with loads of hard work but I can definitely say and I cant explain why but something did click in me where I have become more mindful of my actions and behaviour.  If I'm no tin a good state of mind I can still do those actions automatically but realise straight after I was wrong. To be truthfully honest I dont think you every stop fighting, I have come to terms that BPD is something that you carry around but  can be controlled by putting strategies in place, keeping stress down at home with my partner, taking time out for yourself, spending time with my beautiful dog.  As far as work goes, I understanad that stress too having to change jobs can be huge and very stressful but you have come this far so you can do this. In regards to your husband, I dont know, my partner is only starting to understand me and we have been together for 30 plus years, only in the last 8 months has this come about before then he was  abusive verbally , he could not cope with me but after I started to make improvements and got better at home I think this gave him some confidence back and things have got better. He was extremely insecure by my behaviour and rected in the wrong way but it was because he became desperate.

Is it worth seeing a pyschologist together so he can learn more about your MI and learn how to deal with it.  My partner did go to a "support group for carers" unfortunately they still had some pretty outdated ideas on helping but he did learn more about it and what was going on with me rather than thinking it was directed at him personally.

Good luck @Former-Member you will be fine with a new job and change of career if thats what is needed. 

[Former-Member]

Hello @Former-Member

I don't think consistency has a begining or an end, I think it's like infinity - it's a loop. I'm sorry you feel like your losing yourself, I think I understand that feeling a little - I lose memories in patches all over the place. I have never had a successful relationship, not in love, friendship or family; except for my child and I believe it would be very difficult for a child to reject thier Mother.
Will you ever heal?, I think your healing right now, I believe that's what bodies do and that our brains are a part of our bodies, and they instantly begin 'healing' whenever damage occurs. Sometimes that healing may need to continue our whole lives, but I believe we're healing all the same.
Will you ever understand?, I think we understand what we can understand, and we don't understand what we can't. I think it has a lot to do with the Teacher and how they express their knowledge. There are so many Teachers everywhere all around us, everything we see, hear and even smell, touch and taste, teaches us a lot. None of us are the same, so we all understand things differently.
Will you ever be able to live 'that' way? I wonder what way 'that' is? Everybody has a different way of doing it, you are already living your way.
Will you be able to change? Everybody changes all the time, your changing, I'm changing, the people around you are changing . . . all the time.
Will you cope with the changes? You are. I think everybody 'copes', maybe there's changes within the level of that coping - but we're all coping.
I hear your exhaustion, sometimes I think part of the fight is to accept the flow, rest, tread water, float.

There are the most caring, understanding, inspiring people on this Forum. Each of them different, coping in their own way, living in their own way. Teaching as they learn. Your safe here, you can express yourself here, you will be heard. It can be a bit of a roller-coaster ride, but that because the people here are real.

[utopia]

@Former-Member. I'm currently in hospital and not in the best head space to be positive. But I do want you to know that I'm thinking of you and hoping that you are able to find a way to create a mire peaceful, calming, supportive and fulfilling life.
Even in my current state, I do believe this is possible.
Big hugs for you. ♥♥

[Former-Member]

Good morning @Former-Member @Change123 @Former-Member @utopia

Thank you all for your valuable input and for sharing your experiences.

@utopiaI hope you find the help you need right now in hospital and I hope you will feel better soon.

@Change123My husband does not want to see my counsellor or anyone else. He still believes we can manage this ourselves.

I'm sitting here this morning and thinking of the fairness in life, or justice as they call it.

None of my sexual abusers have ever been charged or taken to justice. And there are reasons why I "choose" that I cannot or will not push charges.

None of the people who commited war crimes against my family have ever been prosecuted. In a dirty civil war they only catch the main offenders, not the neighbour who brutalised or slaughtered the person next door. So many graves, so many death, so many people living with horrendous memories that will never heal. Where is the justice in that?

I will never know if my grandfather committed suicide or was killed.

We also "chose" not to press charges against the hospital who neglected my fathers' care and my father subsequently died in an emergency operation in his early 50s.

I fought as a pupil and student against the injustices in the world and tried my best to change "the world" only to find out, that in the end, everyone is only interested in their own benefit and more than once was I alone in fighting for a good cause. I gave up eventually. I vividly remember the last demonstration I attended. It was an organised demonstration (a concept I never understood) and to disrupt and therefore gain more attention to the subject me and a handful of students decided to do a seating strike on a major bridge crossing. The cause did not affect us, but it was an unfair deveopment for our fellow students. Everyone walked passed us, only another handful sat down with us. We sat there until the police nicely asked us whether we would move or whether they would have to arrest us. I watched the several thousand students disappear in the roads ahead and stood up and walked away. I walked away for good.

Life is not fair. Be careful who you open up to. Be careful what you fight for. That is what I have learnt all my life. I have lived for decades in hiding and pushed my feelings away and continued with a determined focus to build a life. Then eventually and very slowly I started opening up.

And now it looks like history will repeat itself. The world doesn't change, people don't change, and I am once again advised to let it all go, and save myself. I am advised that a legal battle will be long and dirty and detrimental to my mental health (and financial well being).

What is my meaning in this world if I don't have the power to change anything? If I always have to take the dirty deal to make my life liveable? I feel like a traitor to my own beliefs and I feel powerless and worthless.

I have opened a little window in my cocoon and once again all I can see is a world I don't want to live in.

[Former-Member]

Good Morning @Former-Member

I hear you and you are heard by many. I am a coward that is in awe of your courage and proud of you for daring to say 'this is not right'!

Life is neither fair or unjust it is merely a word that is used to describe the time in which we are alive. You are alive, just being alive is winning a battle and changing the World. Drip by drip we make up the drops that collect together to make an ocean; that may one day create a tidal wave of change. Every effort you've made is vital, you may not see it but you are a Hero; giving future generations a chance of a better life.

I wish you peace, caring and understanding.

[Change123]

@Former-Member

I definitely hear you!

The horrible fact of life is that the world is cruel, selfish and people only want to do things that benefit themselves.  I feel the only way for me to survive in it is to create my own little world.  For me this means putting my family first (partner and dog) and we spend loads of time in our garden which we love and relaxes us wathcing the native birds, bbq's and everything inlcludes our boy (dog).  We try to live life as stress free as possible.  Of course when I go to work each day I have to put up with the world of crap but when I go home I dont talk about work, I try not to watch the news as it just upsets me and live in my own little bubble.

Inregards to your husband, mine use to say that all the time as he is very private and didnt want to discuss any relationship issues with any one.  Eventually when I got to my worst he couldnt cope anymore and out of desperation tried one of these support groups. I think he only attended 4 sessions but it was enough for him to understand me better.  Would he go somewhere himself without you just to learn more about BPD and how to cope with it.  I personally think looking back that before my partner gained some understanding he would want me to stop being BPD entirely which is impossible and didnt understand why I just cant stop the behaviour.  Then he learned that I'm not doing it to spite him if anything most of my behaviour is because I feel terrible about myself and hate myself.  His way of coping ws to point out everything I did that was BPD behaviour and maybe that made me more mindful in the long run.  He didnt yell or anything but would say, "think about it you are over reacting BPD" and it would stop me in my tracks.  My first reaction and sometimes now is that I feel rage, but I think that rage is more directed at myself but then I take a deep breath and stop what I'm saying.

@Former-Member life is what you make it, yes you cant change the world and you are one of few who has tried and seen that doesnt work either but you can control your life and make it as best you can.  Yes I dont trust anyone, I have tried to open up and only get betrayed by it, I dont have friends as I have been betrayed by many, I dont have family that I can call family as they all betrayed me.  None of it is fair but sometimes when I'm feel this bad I think of someone who is worse off. For instance where I work an employee only 38, his wife having their first baby and building their own house (he was actually building it), had a horrific car accident in December and now is a paraplegic who cant even hold his own son when he was born a few weeks ago.  I think of that and then realise well maybe I'm not that bad off and it is perception.  Another thing is that we BPD people are full of "shoulds" the world should be fair, people should be good to each other but the fact is they are not and we cant make them.

Take care and just keep trying to build your own world where you can be happy.

[utopia]

@Former-Member. You are not alone in these thoughts. Yes, it is extremely unfair that your 2 choices are:
1 - see justice served against these people
2 - damage your mental health if you do.
It's bloody unfair.
We need stronger people to stand up for us when we do not have the mental or physical strength to do so ourselves.
You don't always have to fight for justice (although we would if we could).
But you (I - all of us), we need to fight for ourselves. Fight for our mental health, our ohysucal health. Fight for a life that we can livethat brings us ccontentment. Fight for a life reduced of a lot of unnecessary stress.
I believe in you. And I wish you all the very best. ♥

[Former-Member]

Good morning @utopia @Change123 @Former-Member @Former-Member

Thanks for all your messages.

I saw my counsellor yesterday. I've been told, I am trying to rush ahead of myself, as usual. I am so tired, so unbelievably tired and it takes all my energy to get up and do something, anything. My only goal at the moment is to stay alive and do so without going to hospital. There is nothing more they can teach me and there is nothing more I would get out of a stay there or want to say, so I want to be home, have some kind of sense of myself, even if I don't enjoy anything right now. I have support here, so I am sure I can get through this.