Night Shift

[Mazarita]

I couldn't stay awake after I posted that last entry though, had to get some more sleep this morning. I get what seems a bit like jetlag trying to change my out-of-whack sleeping patterns. Aside from that, I sleep too much (during the day) due to depression symptoms and perhaps also fatigue over 30 years of Crohns Disease. 

It's generous of you to live with the excessive noise overnight, @Appleblossom. I've had many years experience now of virtually tiptoeing around after midnight, keeping the television down to almost inaudible and checking with partner later that I haven't disturbed him overnight. It's a small flat we live in. It's become for me just a matter of reasonable consideration. I'd be trying to renegotiate the issue with anyone else in the space if they were making too much noise for me overnight, especially if you are trying to regulate sleeping patterns a bit more for yourself. 😉

[Appleblossom]

I am trying and I believe he is trying ..

I felt I had a massive sleep debt after the marriage .. just managing crises 24/7 for too many years, before he was born.  My psychologist would test me and I would make it to 7am appointments etc .. been there done that for too long ....

Now I am at the point ...do I want to live for me .. not children .. not cos of impact on others .. but for me .. going to bed is my way of calming the suicidal ideation and calming my mind. ... So the sleep issue isnt the only one the others are actually more important ... yes I have done all the exercise .. and energy management stuff etc ...for us both individually.. but still ..if I cant find people that I want to be on the planet with ... that is the big thing ... was in gyms for 7 years did tai chi for a few .. finding the forum has given me something .. about making meaning in my life.

Thanks for chat @Mazarita I looked up the Crohn's disease and it seems it is immunological and bacterial ... have you heard of "The Gut Brain" .. my integrative medicine psychiatrist was into that stuff for everyone .. trained in London .. there are many ways of looking at the mind.

cheers

[Mazarita]

Good on you for going for the adult-adult relationship with your son over time. Light heartedness works well in lots of situations. It's great to hear your son has come such a long way.

It sounds like quite a transition for you after many years of living for partner and children to move into this new phase where you are exploring what it means to live for your own sake. I feel I do live for myself but also for my partner, my mum, my friend around the corner and other people who would be affected to varying degrees if I wasn't around. Not so long ago, one of our neighbours at the last place we lived committed suicide (and one of my uncles did the same many years ago). These things affect a lot of people. I kept talking to people in the local community who hardly knew our neighbour but were affected by his death nonetheless. A friend helped me once when I was suicidal simply by telling me that he would miss me.

I sometimes go to bed during the day to reboot from feeling awful too. It often works but complicates the night time sleeping issues. With my bipolar it's especially recommended to try to get into good routines as much as possible. I'm making a special effort at this time to comply with this advice as much as I can. At other times it has just been impossible. 

Thanks for looking up Crohns Disease. I've mostly understood it as an auto-immune disease. It has been a painful and disabling disease to live with. Stress has played a big part in it for me too, which is one of the reasons I try to keep as calm as possible these days. The very worst of it was when I was younger. The most effective treatment for me were the two surgeries I had to remove badly damaged sections of intestine. It's very personal to each person what is the best treatment though. My mother has it too and one of my aunties.

Hope the rest of this 'day shift' goes well for you, @Appleblossom. 

[Appleblossom]

As I grew older I became more interested in the gut .. I treated myself like an iron container and still tend to tough things out ,,, but feeding kids etc ... my son's gut was definitely more sensitive than my girls .. they were more into ear and respiratory issues.

Then my brother's colorectal cancer had me researching a bit.

On wiki they say it is immunological but not necessarily auto immune ... the whole understanding of the human biome is exploding area of science and investigation ..

I can imagine having such issues would effect MH too ... we just do what we can ... we are all unique and life is more complex than than first thought.

cheers

my music practise has suffered a bit due to reading and posting so it is off to do some Bach

[Mazarita]

Here at almost 2am. Went to see an ex-neighbour tonight. It was great to see him but again I find myself too wired to sleep for several hours afterwards. I see this friend about once a month, almost always with my partner. It's an alchohol-based male scene surrounding this guy (except for my partner). I fit in because I can play guitar and sometimes sing, which our friend and his friends also like to do. I often get into the drinking a bit too, but not tonight. Will be trying to avoid an all-nighter and go to bed soon but I'm around for a little while longer if anyone else is still up and feels like chatting.

[Appleblossom]

I can see you are up ... @Mazarita

Its been 2 weeks since we last posted on this thread ... I am pretty tired and wont last long but I thought I'd say hello to you.

[Mazarita]

@Appleblossom,

I'm not very tired but I was thinking of at least preparing to go to sleep. Been better with it lately but still breaking out into late nights every so often. Feel better for not doing the all-nighters that were a pretty regular thing for a long time. Thanks for the shout out. How are you (if you feel like talking)?

[Appleblossom]

I am ok for now ...

glad you are finding your sleep balance ...

I think my son is doing better too ... going to sign off soon and put computer down ... but I think it has been very compulsive for me and i have indulged it for a while ... its been 3 1/2 months ... I am going to have to limit my use of foums for a while .... just for self control .. not anything wrong.

good night ... hope you can sleep too.

[Billamba]

I can't sleep, not even remotely tired when I really should be. 

My friends and I have just been in town having a great night at the local schools annual fundraiser. Got myself there, not too much over thinking or anxiety. My friend and I were almost matching but she kindly offered to change knowing probably that it would cause me some,angst to redo a new outfit. Few drinks later I ended up on the dance floor (so really I prob was drunk!) having an absolute boall. A few local boys were there and one of them and I have been taking on and off for months. But every time it gets remotely serious I just freak out. Anxiety goes sky high. I was sexually assaulted at 18 (I'm 22 now) and when ever I get close to guys I just freak right out. Memories/flash backs everything. My ride home was going but lots were egging me on to stay and part of me really wanted to but I was so worried (read freaking out) about how I was going to get home (90kms) and where it was going to end upm(use your imagination) that I bailed and went.

Now I'm sitting at home not knowing if or when I will ever get over this and just generally feeling crappy. I know I'm hurting him and I hate it but I'm so freaking scared and get so anxious. I just don't know what to do. In the grand scheme of things it trivial it just feels like another buggar up in my life. 

[Mazarita]

Hi @Billamba,

I'm still up too. Mostly I'm trying to be in bed before midnight to regulate sleep with bipolar. I find it harder to do on a Saturday night. Sorry you're feeling down. Maybe you did the best thing taking your ride home when you did...