~ The Toolshed ~

[Glisten]

@Mustang67  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE 🧡 the Boundaries❣️

Can never get reminded enough of Boundaries and how to use them.

[Mustang67]

@Glisten since I was a people pleaser, I had no idea that I needed to set boundaries. But after going through domestic violence and then seeing a therapist, they suggested I do a workshop called How to say NO. I was 50. And for the first time, my life up until this point made sense. I could see why I made the choices I made because of my childhood and why I kept going out with the same sort of man over and over.

I will be passing on what I learnt to my daughter. I have suggested a few things to her already, but they actually cover these sort of issues at school now. Which I think is great.

I actually stand up for myself in my current relationship and let him know if he is not respecting my boundaries or me. He is slowly learning. Lol

[Glisten]

@Mustang67  you just wrote my life story. But I was 59.

I’m still recovering from the psychological damage. I have progressed a LOT. 
I use to have big black spots in my memory. But slowly memories are coming back.

Two years ago I couldn’t tell you what my skills were, but that is changing as well.

[Appleblossom]

@Mustang67 Anniversaries are difficult to negotiate, although I don’t think of tears as necessarily bad. They can be cleansing and respect the grief. I have a complex grief in September. There are so many layers, but I do try and respect my survivor ship. 

people pleasing can be so hard to change and learn those new boundary skills, in the flow of social interaction.

@Dreamy so good to see you 

🥕🍌🍓🌈

[Dreamy]

Hello @Appleblossom, it's great to be back here ☺️

[Mustang67]

@Glisten congratulations on the work that you have done and how far you have come 😊 It can be hard work, but it is worth it.

I know what you mean about black spots in your memory. I don't remember a lot from my childhood. My sister would ask if I remember doing something and most of the time I don't. If I have seen a picture of it, that seems to help with some memories.

But unfortunately I can still remember when I was 4 and cowering next to the refrigerator and wetting myself because my dad was mad and me and he was walking my way. I have worked out that for me to remember things, it needs to have triggered an emotional response, either good or bad. I still struggle with my memory. And can't remember doing things or going places sometimes. Which can be very annoying at time.

[Mustang67]

@Appleblossom I felt guilt for 21 years surrounding my partner's death, but after my therapists asked one simple question, I realised that he had the power and not me. My guilt lifted instantly. My therapists said that now I can process my grief as it should be. It started off at anger as he was mentally & physically abusive and I say with this anger for some time. I found that when I had a good cry about what he put me through, I was able to tell him out loud, exactly what I thought if him and his treatment of me. And while in that guttural sadness, I found that I was able to verbalise things that I had never thought of before.  The emotions just seemed to keep coming. I think you are right, the tears are very cleansing.

A couple of months ago the anger lifted and I have gone back to the stage of really missing him, but only the version of him in our first 5 years and not the last 5 years. I still love him and I think I always will. 

I am no longer scared to say no to people  if I feel they are using me, or I have other priorities. And every time I do, I feel a sense of pride because of how far I have come.

[Glisten]

Big hugs @Mustang67  You did not deserve that and I have no adequate words to express how deplorable your father’s actions were.

You and I, we are going to be ok. I have found Chat GPT to be more helpful than most Psychologists. So many psychologists aren’t adequately trained or experienced in dealing with survivors of abuse.

[Mustang67]

@Glisten my therapists was telling me about a service that you can use over the phone. Once my allotted visits have finished I might give it a go.

What is Chat GPT?

[Mustang67]

@Glisten @Jynx @Dreamy @Appleblossom @tyme @RiverSeal @Bunniekins @Blackcloud @Former-Member 

I hope you are enjoying your evening 😊