Lived Experience Forum

[26aqua]

Hey guys,

It's been sometime since I last joined the forums. 

I've had so much going on and I feel like I'm back where I started over 12 months  ago.

My eldest child had her asd assessment end of last year and she is asd 2, she is struggling with SAD, GAD, PTSD and an eating disorder. 

I'm still struggling with my MI.

I'm finding it hard. I was back in SI for a bit. I'm still in the dark hole but trying to climb out. 

I had been asking for help from different places. My youngest, 13, had been running away from home (because she didn't like my rules and I wasn't allowing her to do dangerous and risky behaviours, smoking green, drinking and sneaking out at night)

I was working with the school, I called child protective services, I called police multiple times when she ran and at one stage she stole my keycard and took money out to 'pay a debt' and when i asked police to charge her (this had been going on for months) they told me it was a waste of time because she would only get a slap on the wrist.

Just after Christmas, it all came to a head. 

I  had an avo placed on me. My 13 yr old is now interstate with my family until we work through this.

I lost everything. I couldn't control any emotion. 

I feel constantly agitated or irritable. I can't smile and I can't find joy in anything.

My sleeping is crap again. I see my gp again today, after nearly a week of trialling the doses.

I'm waking constantly. 

My cptsd is triggered constantly. I'm feeling like I'm always fight or flight. 

I haven't been to work since end of December and im seriously considering resigning. 

Community mental health told me they couldn't help me, but are organising a review with psychiatric dr. I guess that's something. 

And then men, I have this huge fear of men. I haven't been in a relationship since my ex early last year. I don't like receiving compliments from men, I don't like being attractive to men, and I especially can't stand any sexual innuendo particularly when directed at me.

I'm nearly 37 and I have spent 16 yrs in abusive/DV relationships. 

I was SA as a child. My childhood is full of trauma, so is the rest of my life.

I asked my gp is there hope to change this brain of mine, because I hate feeling like this. I really don't like falling so often. It becomes so hard to get back up. 

While I was in custody, I made a comment and then I was scheduled for mental health to the hospital. The paramedics asked if I was going to behave or run away. I told them I was going with them because I had no choice. The second time I was locked in that hospital behind doors and not allowed out. 

Community mental health are still going along with BPD. And that I need psychotherapy. Which is fine, great!! Its what I want. I had been seeing psychologist all last year. 

I have a counsellor through victim services and I've seen her a few times too. 

Last time I was told because I don't SH, I wasn't eligible for dbt. 

I feel let down. I tried asking for help. They all could see and hear my pleas and even now child protection haven't had contact. 

When will this turn around?! 

I've been living like this for years and it's exhausting. I don't like feeling this way. 

Hi to all my old friends, I hope you're all doing well, as best as you can xx

[Paperdaisy]

Hi @26aqua You describe a lot of distressing things here and I want you to know you are not alone. This is a really difficult time for you but it's really positive you are asking for help. The system is overwhelmed at the moment isn't it and it's not fair you have to wait, but I hope you will get the help you desire soon. In the meantime could you try a peer support call or the SANE support services ? 

I'm going to check in with you via email so please look out for that. 

Take care, 

Paperdaisy 💝

[ShiningStar]

Hi @26aqua 

I just wanted to reach out to say hello 💜 and welcome back to the forums - it’s so lovely to see you again 💜

I’m so deeply sorry to hear about everything that has been happening for you over the past year and my heart goes out to you 💜

As I listened to this part of your story, I could hear so many powerful emotions and just from what you described, I got the overwhelming sense that a tornado has ripped through your life and left a trail of unimaginable destruction and devastation in its wake 💜

Oh 26aqua 💜 I’m so deeply sorry to hear that you’ve experienced so much interpersonal trauma throughout your life and that the people who were meant to care for you, hurt you in some of the most unimaginable ways 💜

As such, it’s completely understandable that these things have impacted (and continue to impact) your relationships with men, the way that you feel when you’re in the company of men and the overwhelming need that you have to protect yourself from any further harm.

Tragically, trauma can have such a detrimental impact on people’s lives and in my experience, people often require care and support outside of the appointments that they have scheduled with their Therapists and / or counsellors 💜

With this in mind, I just ever so gently wanted to share some information about an organisation called the Blue Knot Foundation. Essentially, they’re ‘the National Centre of Excellence for Complex Trauma. That means that we advocate for and provide support to people who have experiences of complex trauma, and those who support them, personally and professionally.’

One of the services that they provide is a Helpline for adult survivors of childhood trauma (including abuse). The Helpline is staffed by qualified counsellors who are trauma specialists and as such, they provide short term trauma counselling support, information and referrals for ongoing support 💜

I’ve contacted the Helpline on several occasions and I’ve always had a really positive experience where I felt supported and understood 🙂

As such, I just ever so gently wondered if this particular service may be helpful for you too 💜

I’ve included the link to Blue knot’s website, just in case you would like to explore this further 🙂

https://blueknot.org.au/about-us/contact-us/

If you would like to contact them, their telephone number is: 1300 657 380.

They operate Monday to Sunday from 9.00am until 5.00pm AEST 💜

Holding onto hope for ourselves can be challenging at the best of times and in my experience, this becomes even harder when we’re doing everything within our power to create change and yet despite our very best efforts, the people who we reach out to are unable to hear and respond to our cries and pleas for help. In my experience, these interactions can leave us feeling invisible and powerless and as such, I can really appreciate how you feel completely alone and abandoned by the people who you reached out to for support.

It’s during these times that finding the emotional reserves to face another day can take every ounce of energy and strength that we have. As such, I really admire the way that you’re still advocating for yourself and trying to access the care and support that you need and deserve 💜

Although I can only offer you words of care and support (I truly wish that I could offer you more) I just ever so gently wanted to say that I’m here and I’ll hold onto some hope for you, until such time that you’re able to hold onto this for yourself 💜

Please know that I’m thinking of you at such a difficult and distressing time and sending you some very gentle and caring hugs 💜

ShiningStar 💜

[26aqua]

Hello @ShiningStar and @Paperdaisy 

Thank you for welcoming me back.

Thank you for your kind and compassionate response. 

I saw a new psychologist yesterday and clearly I have alot bottled up. 

I think I might work well with her, she is wanting to work on calming my body before we look at processing any of the traumas. 

My traumas are complicated and span over decades. 

I need to find compassion and forgiveness for myself. 

I'm stuck in blaming myself, like it's all my fault - if only I had done things differently earlier on. 

My head tells me not to be so harsh but my heart weighs heavy and if I didn't do, say, behave like that things would be different.

Trauma, complex trauma, is so draining. 

Its exhausting living in survival mode. 

I have contacted blueknot before, and suggested it to many people as well. 

I think the thing I find the hardest is when talking to a stranger and im caught in the "why me, why is it always happening to me" I feel like I need to tell my story again. 

I'm unmotivated, I look around and see all the things I need to do and just walk away from it. 

I'm so anxious about returning to work im on the crossroads of resigning or taking a casual position. 

I've been seeing my gp regularly, probably seen him more this month than the 6months prior. 

I kept a male gp so I could try to remind myself not all males are dangerous (if that makes sense).

My gp has been a good fit and although I don't tell him everything, I feel safe enough to disclose what needs to be (changes due to medications, moods, sleep and stress). He has an special interest in mental health as well and is known around the community for his role in supporting patients with their mental health. 

I had an argument with my father. I asked him for help and he instantly refused, didn't even take a second to think about what I was asking for. 

Alot of years of feelings and emotions came bubbling and I told him it all. It ended with him telling me goodbye. 

My sister told me it was truth and he couldn't handle that truth. 

I know my father and his role in my life, my mothers role, the others in and out throughout have all had major impacts on me, I don't know where I fit, where I belong.

I don't know me. I don't think I've ever known me. 

I get so protective of my children it send me into instant emotional overload, over protective mumma bear and I can't tone down the emotions. 

Today is my birthday. I don't want to celebrate it, I haven't really wanted to for years and I dont know why. 

Last year my (now) ex entered my home after I told him not to come, he came during the early hours of morning to surprise me with gifts when I explicitly told him not to come to my house. I ended up erupting and exploding. 

Birthdays prior to that, my relationship before, they weren't happy experiences. 

I can't remember a birthday I enjoyed the entire day without something negative impacting it.

Most important anniversaries, christmas/easter, any family oriented type events always end in some kind of disaster or darkness.

I want to find joy and peace and happiness in life - I want to look forward to the next 50 years and make beautiful memories - but I feel stuck on this never ending vicious cycle. 

I constantly have memories coming back at different times throughout my day and night, I see them in a third person view, I can see me as a child or teenager or adult - I see what I look like, the people around me and the things being said/done. Then I feel it. I feel the emotion encasing me. 

I'm good at helping other people ground and breathe, I'm terribly at getting myself to do it when I need it most. 

I hate that all these things have happened to me and im the one who has to use all my strength to fight, to advocate, to seek help for change, for recovery and for healing. 

I cut alot of ties, went from over 160 "friends and family" on Facebook to only 42. Most of those people are family.

Because of how things have come about, my current situation, I feel like my drama is swallowing up and taking over other people in my life lives. I feel like a burden. 

I've been fiercely independent for a long time, and finding it difficult asking for financial help and seeking the services to help. Again, I have to tell people my story, my situation and there is shame and guilt attached to it all. 

Knowing things is one thing, feeling them is another. Its so hard to tell my heart to be forgiving of myself when it feel like I deserve it. 

I needed to let a bit out today. 

Thanks for listening.

💙💜💙

Also, I feel the need to say

🖤💛❤ #alwayswasalwayswillbe

#changethedate 🖤💛❤

[ShiningStar]

Hi @26aqua 

It’s so lovely to hear from you 💜

Oh wow! I didn’t realise that today is your Birthday - Happy Birthday for today 💜

I’m so deeply sorry to hear that your Birthday celebrations and other important anniversaries have ended in ‘disaster’ and resulted in so much pain and distress 💜

Although we love to celebrate each other’s Birthdays here on the forums, I’m also really mindful that this may be something that doesn’t feel comfortable for you 💜

I would hate to do anything that caused you any further distress and as such, I just wanted to check in with you to see if you would like us to acknowledge and celebrate your day?

I also just ever so gently wanted to reassure you that I will definitely reply to your earlier message - I just wanted to reach back to you before the day gets away, just in case you would like to celebrate your Birthday here with us 💜

Please know that I’m thinking of you today and sending you some very gentle and caring hugs 💜

Take care of yourself,

ShiningStar 💜

[ShiningStar]

Hi @26aqua 

It’s so lovely to hear from you 💜

You’re welcome! It was my pleasure to listen to you 💜

Absolutely 💜 Living with trauma can be incredibly exhausting and as such, it’s completely understandable that you feel so depleted and unable to find the energy to tackle all of the things that are important to you 💜

That’s great that you’ve found a new Psychologist and just from what you’ve described, it sounds as though she has experience in relation to supporting people who are living with trauma 💜 I really love how she’s taking the time to support you to be able to ‘calm your body’ before you begin to address the traumas that you’ve experienced 💜 In my experience, learning how to recognise when we’re becoming dysregulated can be incredibly helpful, as it’s through this process that we can learn how to soothe ourselves and safely take care of our emotions so that they don’t impact us to the same extent.

The argument that you had with your father sounds incredibly intense and I’m so sorry that he was unable to listen to you and hear what you needed when you asked him for help. In my experience, sitting with so many difficult memories and powerful emotions can really take their toll and as such, I can really appreciate how your emotions suddenly bubbled over and you unexpectedly found yourself sharing your truth 💜

I felt incredibly moved when you shared ‘I don’t know where I fit, where I belong. I don’t think I’ve ever known me.’  In my experience, feeling as though we’re a stranger to ourselves can be an incredibly lonely and confusing place to be and as such, my heart goes out to you 💜 I truly hope that in time (and with the necessary care and support) you’ll be able to find some of the missing pieces and answer some of the questions that you’re currently grappling with 💜

That’s great that you have a supportive GP and that he has a particular interest in supporting people who are living with mental health conditions! In my experience, this can make such a difference in relation to the care and support that we receive 💜The decision that you made to receive care from a male GP makes so much sense and just from what you’ve described, it sounds as though you’re actively challenging some of the connections that you’ve made about men as a result of the trauma’s that you’ve experienced. As I sat here listening to this part of your story, I found myself thinking ‘wow!’ and as such, I just ever so gently wanted to say that I think that you’re incredibly brave and courageous 💜

I’m so deeply sorry to hear that you’ve been experiencing so many graphic flashbacks and just from what you’ve described, it’s understandable that you’re feeling completely overwhelmed and smothered by the images and emotions associated with these.

It can be incredibly frustrating and distressing when we’re able to support other people to regulate their emotions and yet we constantly struggle to be able to do this for ourselves 💜 With this in mind, I just ever so gently wondered how do you take care of yourself during these times?

Oh 26acqua 💜 I hate how all of these things have happened to you too! In my experience, finding ourselves in a position where we’re forced to take responsibility for finding the resources that we need to heal the wounds that have resulted as a consequence of other people’s behaviour can feel incredibly unfair and as such, I can really appreciate how you feel so infuriated about this 💜

Reaching a place in your life where you feel a sense of ‘joy, peace and happiness’ is a wonderful dream to have 💜 As I sat here reading back through the parts of your story that you’ve shared with me, I can see so much determination and just how hard you’re working towards making the changes in your life that are important for you 💜 As such, I just ever so gently wanted to say that I’m here cheering you on as you continue to take the necessary steps towards achieving your dreams 💜

In the meantime, please know that I’m thinking of you and sending you some very gentle and caring hugs 💜

Take kind and gentle care of yourself,

ShiningStar 💜