Supporting my wife who lives with Borderline Personality Disorder while maintaining self care

[Determined]

Things are back on thin ice again at the moment. 

Noticed Darling had some more damage tonight. Feeling flat and unsure I can weather another storm.

Tired of the emotional blackmail, abuse and and what amounts to domestic violence. 

Juat tired and concerned how things will go when I go back to work. Would love to call on my mum for some help but have a sibling who guaranteed will take over and add fuel to the fire  🔥  😳 

[Shaz51]

@Determined , thinking of you lots and your family 

how are you 

[Determined]

Hi @Shaz51 

Thanks for checking in and sorry I have been a bit absent.

Things are a bit bumpy here at the moment.

FiL is on a gradual decline. Ambulance ride to the hospital last night. Thought that might be it but he has.bounced back tonight. Happily living in his own little world but has more strength and colour.

A lot of 'visits' from family members long passed in.recent days. It really is hard to watch the decline.

Was at the hospital ED until early hours of this morning. So little sleep last night.

And on Saturday night. I was up all night expecting the phone to ring. 

Big concerns around how Darling is going to cope when Dad passes .have a psyc appointment upcoming to implement a safety plan. I need guidelines and boundaries for hospital admission (as a last resort) to be set up for my peace of mind. 

[Shaz51]

one step at a time my @Determined 

yes you have lots on you mind at the moment 

my mum is declining also but slowly 

yes hoping your darling will be ok too 

how is today going 

Hello @hanami , @FloatingFeather , @Dimity , @amber22 , @Former-Member 

[Determined]

Hard day @Shaz51 

Have started discussions about end of life care for FiL.  Currently in hospital but contemplating returning to nursing home and making comfortable rather than continuing current treatment. Heart wrenching realisation to arrive at. 

And it is me that is left to have these discussions with medical staff and family. Feeling drained. :nauseated_face: 

[Shaz51]

ohh sending you lots of understanding hugs my friend @Determined 

my Mother in law in hospital now having lots of tests done and it looks like pancreatic cancer  

[Determined]

Tough times @Shaz51 

Thinking of you and family 🙏 

[Smc]

@Shaz51 @Determined, sounds like we're all on about the same page. xx

It's really hard feeling the weight of making the decisions about someone else's impending death. No two ways about it. Me, being closer to the bottom of said page than the top at the moment... even though the death and the "after" is hard, honestly, like a lot of things in life, I think the uncertainty of the "in between" time of waiting is the worst. If you're making the decisions with respect and love for the other person, you're going to get it right enough...

Lots of love and prayers for both of you. Hang in there.

[Determined]

" I think the uncertainty of the "in between" time of waiting is the worst"

That about sums it up @Smc .

Riding the waves is exhausting. 

FIL is doing ok today and talking about the future with some enthusiasm. None of which I'd realistic but hey the enthusiasm is better than where we have been. Holding my breath for the next crash though and feeling guilty for doing so 😕 

[Smc]

@Determined, there's a world of difference between expecting the next crash and wishing for it, but our dense brains are not good at telling them apart. Somehow, despite everything, I tend to be an optimist and expect things to improve. It's hard to swallow the prospect that no... they won't. At least not in any sustained way. But the guilt is false... And yeah, however unrealistic his future plans are, if they're happy plans, they'll be doing him some good. xx