Lived Experience Forum

[Mara_S]

Hi

So glad I found Sane. A couple of tough years of burnout, stressful family situations, health issues all around and more made me accept that self care needs to become a priority so I can continue to support those who need me and find the clarity I need to make decisions. 

I realise I need support more than ever with an upcoming extended visit to family overseas.  So hopefully will learn some coping strategies. Looking forward to sharing and learning more.

#notalone

[8ppleTree]

Welcome @Mara_S to the forums and thanks for sharing! 😃

Sounds like you have been through quite a tough time. Well done for recognising your needs and respecting your value. What have you been putting in place lately to support you? Are you able to have some time for yourself when you're overseas?

Filling our own cup is essential, but it's a practice not many of us are shown well. Learning self-care and to initiate boundaries that respect the whole person are essential tools for wellbeing. 

I've experienced some fatigue issues. It was really difficult in the beginning when I set boundaries. I began saying 'no' to attending some events, or not answering my phone or door during certain times. Initially, some people were not very understanding. It was almost more tiring to persist than it was to hold my lines! But it was worth it in the end 😅

Now I am very present when I can be, and more peaceful during 'my time', and I don't feel guilty. Just because I'm not 'working or producing' during those times doesn't mean the self-care isn't of value, or deserving of less respect. You can call it 'active-resting' lol 

Ultimately, self-care can be anything that supports your body/mind/spirit, ie seeing a movie, having a bath, playing puzzles, games, reading, laughing, napping, watching birds, gardening, painting your nails, building something, working out, swimming, dancing, etc. As long as it's your time and you feel confident and respected in your needs. 

#notalone

[Xibon]

Hey @Mara_S, and welcome to our support community!

I'm very happy that you've made your way here, and it sounds like you've been through so much the past few years. 

Overseas travel can be so exhausting, especially over extended periods of time. It's great you're thinking on coping strategies to manage discomfort while you're away.

Personally, I enjoy exercise (usually running) outside. Even just a few push ups, squats, or a walk outside can do wonders for the mind. I also enjoy sketching/doodling - also outside if possible!

If these options are undesirable or unavailable, or you need something more immediate, the five senses mindfullness exercise (https://www.flexiblemindtherapy.com/uploads/6/5/5/2/65520823/five_senses_mindfulness_exercise.pdf) can really help to regulate our feelings, and remind us that we re surviving despite our emotional distress in the moment.

@Miss-wish also made a terrific thread which has many contributions discussing coping mechanisms and strategies which can be found here https://saneforums.org/t5/Looking-after-ourselves/coping-mechanisms/m-p/1415433/highlight/true#M1017... 

Thank you again for posting, and your presence here is very much appreciated (:

[Mara_S]

Thanks so much, these are amazing resources. These will come in very handy. I am going to try some from now so I am prepared beforehand. I have looked forward to going to visit my family but there are some other people who I am easily triggered by and they know how to get a reaction from me quite quickly.


I have recently experimented with doodling and find it extremely helpful too.

[Mara_S]

Hey 8ppleTree
thanks for your reply.
This is the first Christmas holiday where I actually switched off and ignored emails, my laptop etc and I feel like I see the light. (Not easy when you are a freelancer who has to keep work in the pipeline but worth it). I even got back into reading! 🙂


You are right, people find it hard to accept and see the slowing down as inaction. In my case as laziness too. But I am prepared to set my limits. I feel I was constantly multitasking while everyone around me got time to smell the roses.

Loe the active resting. 🙂 Should be my new status on Teams

[Xibon]

@Mara_S just checking in and wondering how you're travelling with everything?

I'm glad you're finding some of this helpful. It's great o plan and feel prepared, well done 😊

Sorry to hear there's animosity in some of your family, I totally understand. Family can be messy and difficult. While you're overseas I hope you have safe space or the time to be away from people who trigger you when you need?

I love drawing/sketching so much - it's fantastic do hear you're also finding doodling therapeutic.

May I ask how slowing down/active resting as suggested by @8ppleTree have served you?

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Mara_S 

Congrats on setting the boundaries! The activities are nice, and the attitudes of others follow along, but the action of delineating that space between ourselves and the external 'shoulds', is such a vital act of self-preservation, and appreciation for life. 👏 It's so nice to be able to share some of your wins with you. Thank you for sharing! I love how positive you are about the fact that you know what you're looking forward to, and what you may need to continue to manage. 

As @Xibon mentioned, family can be messy. You have every right to set emotional boundaries, as well as physical boundaries, too. When that negativity comes at you, you can choose to disengage, be unavailable, or just say "Not today". Your boundaries, your time, your capacity, your input, might fluctuate from day to day, and that's ok. It's up to you if you feel you need to verbalise that to others, or not. It's your journey. I don't know about you, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders, when I realised that I didn't have to solve every uncomfortable moment, lol 💡

Do you have any strategies to cope with some of these troublesome family members? ie are there certain topics that create tension, that you might avoid? Or habits that cross boundaries? 

How goes the reading? Any recommendations? 😃

[8ppleTree]

Re: Active-Resting - 

“The great French Impressionist painter, Monet, sat in his garden on a warm afternoon. He was napping lightly on his garden bench, with the sunlight dappling gently through the straw hat resting over his face. It was soft and warm on his closed eyelids. He sighs contentedly.

A nosy neighbour poked his head over the fence, keen to know what the brilliant artist was up to now. ‘Sir, you are resting!’, the curious neighbour called out. ‘No,’ responded Monet, wriggling to get even more comfortable on his reclining garden chair, ‘I am working.’

He relaxed further as the mild breeze tickled the hair on his forearms. Monet returned to his garden the next day. Consumed by the urge to translate his feelings onto the canvas, he painted with great energy and focus. He was inspired and the paint flowed. Again the nosy neighbour poked his head over the fence. He called out, ‘Sir, you are working.’

‘No,’ said the artist, barely pausing with his brush. ‘I am resting.’

@Mara_S @Xibon 

[Mara_S]

@8ppleTree this is spot on. Thanks for sharing. I don't know much about art but will looking into Monet's work now. I'm sure I've seen them before and I'm sure I will see them differently now.

[Mara_S]

Yes.  Understanding that I don't have to solve things  and to let things go when they bother me is hard. Years of being the responsible older sibling and the most responsible parent is hard to undo. Especially if you know you are the one who will have to clean up the mess in the end. 

I generally avoid any contact or initiating any conversation with these family members. I have set boundaries by removing them off socials and no longer accepting video calls. Rude? Possibly. But that's what I needed and I was never aiming for the best daughter in law award anyway. 

I'm yet to come up with strategies on how to deal with them. Very weary of jumping on that plane. Not 100% convinced I should considering the state of my marriage but it's the only way I get to see my own family. 

Part 1 for now consists of arranging accommodation. I've insisted we need to plan this out so that I can then try to plan some time where there is no family with us. Somehow these family members think they will join us for the whole trip...  40+ days is a long time. 

The reading is the one thing I have kept consistent. Not sure what genre you like, I like a good mystery or thriller.  Last one I read was a dud. But I read The Nurse before that and will now watch it online.. just to say that the book was better lol.