Lived Experience Forum

[Soodeep]

Hi there,

Recently I got so distressed and emotional after returning from trip to China. My father passed away during COVID in 2020 and my mum passed away in 2015. They left two properties without a will.

At the end of 2023, I went back to China for the first time after 5years of pandemic and being unable to travel internationally. I stayed with my sister, who is 2years older than me, during the trip. I was expecting to discuss the inheritance of my parents properties with her as she talked about it when my father was in his last days, but we didn’t go into details at that time. However, when I discussed with her this time and told her that i could leave the properties with her and she could give me some money according to the market value of the properties. To my surprise, She started to lash out at me, blaming me selfish and deserving nothing from my parents properties. She claimed that I didn’t share any responsibility for looking after my parents therefore I shouldn’t get a cent from their inheritance. I was so shocked to hear that because she has never talked about it before and also my parents moved to live with my sister when she had her child in 2001, their intention was to look after her instead. Both my parents had high retirement salaries when they lived with my sister, they were diligent hardworking people, to my knowledge, it was they looking after my sisters family. When my mum suddenly diagnosed with cancer in 2014 and passed away in 2015. I flew back several times to look after her and be with her until she passed. Only when my father passed away I was unable to return because of the closure of the border, my sister hired a carer to look after my dad. I regret that I didn’t insist on giving money to her during this time. 

I immigrated to Australia in 2005, because my sister has always well off than me and whenever I wanted to give my parents money they refused to accept. 

I have checked the relevant laws about this in China, it says children who lived with the parents and took care of them can get more when dividing the inheritance. Children who don’t live with the parents can still get smaller share of the inheritance. 

since that alteration, I have been avoiding to talk with my sister. But whenever I think about it, I feel sad and want to cry. I don’t know how to talk with my sister again, we have never been close and this just push us even more apart. I think her deny of my inheritance is denying my existence in the family. I’m kind of stuck in this bad feeling and can’t get over it. If anyone has the same issue or could give me some advice, I would appreciate your sharing or advice. 

[tyme]

@Soodeep ,

I'm so sorry to hear what has become of this. I hear it so often that families are torn apart because of matters relating to inheritances, but it's not real until it hits home.

It sounds like an extremely difficult time for you both, and without a will, it makes it even harder, especially as you are not protected by Australian laws.

It may be good to seek the advice of a lawyer (if this is the path you want to go down). At the same time, I wonder if your sister is going through the process of grief and is therefore reacting in this way?

Do you think she will change what she has said later on?

[Soodeep]

Thank you for your reply and understanding. You have a very good point that she might experience grief. The problem is that I don’t want to talk to her. I might have my feelings of grief and loss as well, especially our family had never had a good relationship when my parents were alive. I think I will just wait for a proper time to talk to my sister in the future.

[tyme]

I'm sure you will be going through grief as well @Soodeep , and talking about inheritance can be really hard at this time. Both to hear about and manage. 

At the same time, the cycle of grief has no timeline. Some people can grieve weeks while others grieve years. The question is, how do you know when the right time is?

With what your sister said to you, was it out of character? Or is she usually like that?

You may want to call Griefline and have a chat to them. These are expert counsellors of those experiencing grief. https://griefline.org.au/

[Soodeep]

Thank you for your information about the grief support. I really need that because after returning from China, I have been in such a bad mood and can’t hold my tears when I think about what happened in China. In my previous family in China, I was always the insignificant one, the useless one due to my earning status and contribution to the family. That’s what she told me and that’s why she thinks I deserve nothing. 

[tyme]

I'm so sorry to hear this is the case @Soodeep . Just to flip the thinking, for a family to know there is a 'less significant' one in the family, they should do all the more to support them. 

Although your sister treats you like this, did your parents see you this way too? 

From what it sounds, you are doing the best you can to be who you want to be.

In my family, I was the middle one of three children, but the black sheep of the family. No one had any hope in me because I wasn't as smart or quick as my siblings. Although my siblings are still smarter and quicker than me, I worked hard and I ended up doing better than both of them, and earning more than them. I'm also much happier than them.

Do what's right for you. Don't let others tell you that you are no good and will never amount to anything.

[Soodeep]

Good for you! I think there is a less discriminatory environment in Australia than in China. Being slow and not as smart as my sister as a child, I was constantly insulted and sometimes beaten by my parents. I have so many problems with self esteem even as a grownup. I left home as soon as I found a job in another city and never returned home ever since. I got married in the city I worked and immigrated to Australia with my husband in 2005. I feel very happy here because nobody judges you for being slow and not smart. I have a very aloof relationship with them and never feel comfortable around them. 

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing a little about yourself. My ancestry is Chinese (Hong Kongers) (I've got a bit of French too), but I'm several generations Australian so I can't speak the language, nor know much about Chinese. @Soodeep 

I'm really glad I live in Australia though. I don't think I could live in another country. Holidays are good, but not to live.

[Soodeep]

Same here. Love Australia! It’s a place where ordinary people can live and thrive! Thank you for your support and information. I feel much better now. I will start with grief counselling first and see if I can talk to my sister what she really thinks. 

[Tilz]

@Soodeep  I feel really sorry to hear that.  I think you should start talking to her. She is your sister and it worth more than the property. Build up the bond back again. Don't talk about inheritance for a while, because if you keep on taking about inheritance that can apart your sister from you. If anything that you would get or receive decide it without arguments. but take time for that.