Lived Experience Forum

[Alifewithoutjoy]

Hi there,

I was recommended to this group via a sobriety group I'm part of.  Basically I have a good life. I have a loving family, a good job, financial security and as much privilege as you could wish for as a straight, white, cis male. 

I've had issues with self hatred and depression since I was in my early teens (30 odd years now). These developed into alcohol and drug use although while always maintaining a professional facade. Mentally things have been worse since I had kids. Both my kids are smart and beautiful but they both have ASD and that makes home life stressful for someone who had never really mastered personal confrontation. My alcohol use worsened and I then quit completely over half a year ago. Since then I have struggled with finding joy or purpose in anything. I dislike my work (without good reason), I find weekends and evenings challenging, I've booked a holiday that I feel nothing but trepidation and resentment for. I genuinely cannot think of anything that I want or would like. Sex is mechanical, buying things is empty consumerism, I have very few friends ( hard to understand when I sound like such fun I know) and socializing causes me anxiety especially doing so sober. I struggle with building more than superficial relationships and when I do I talk myself out of maintaining them. My few remaining friends are very persistent or stubborn.

I spent years on antidepressants and find them to be either ineffective or in some cases the cause of an immediate threat to my safety. I do not wish to return to antidepressants. I have read about paws related anhedonia but at 7 1/2 months sober it feels like it's stretching credibility to think this might just get better. Google is notoriously full of shit though so maybe someone here has a more qualified perspective? 

I have a therapist although she leaves soon. I had a psychiatrist but they retired and I chose not to start again as they seemed to be little more than prescription dispensers. 

Not sure what I'm looking for here. Apologies for rambling in my first post.

[RiverSeal]

Hey @Alifewithoutjoy, thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts with the Forums here!

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot with your mental health and sobriety (which is an amazing achievement) and your family too. You are demonstrating your strength and resilience by reaching out to the community of peers. It is not always easy to be vulnerable with people you don't know, so great to see. 

There are some other places on the Forums you might like to reach out to as well: Looking for a space to connect with others? Find a... - SANE Forums

Again, thank you for joining the Forums and sharing with the community!

Take care

RiverSeal 

[Oaktree]

@Alifewithoutjoy 

Welcome to the forums. Your sobriety is an amazing achievement and I hope you keep it going. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate with your kids having ASD. I don’t have any answers to your problems but I am here as a listening ear if that helps. I wonder if @Shaz51 has anything to add

[D1ng0]

Hey @Alifewithoutjoy, welcome to the forums. I'm pretty new around here, as well. I hope folks here are able to support you, or at least offer a bit of comfort so you have more capacity to build supports in your own life.

I will say (as someone who is not straight or cis) that I hope you know your demographic does not invalidate the struggles you are facing. In fact, most of the straight, cis men your age I have known experience mental illness which is worsened by a stigma against men being "weak" or seeking help. The expectation to keep up a facade and pretend to be okay can be crushing. In my opinion, straight cis men face that stigma very strongly, and it's an under-discussed problem. We all experience unique and complex barriers to mental stability, and I see that yours are just as real and life-altering as mine are, regardless of the fact that I belong to a vastly different demographic. I hope you feel validated, affirmed, and seen in this space. I know I have felt supported here.

I am so proud of you for your sobriety. I know it's bloody hard. I'm a little over 2 years sober myself, and it's not an easy thing to do. I recommend that you prioritise setting up future therapeutic support by way of your current therapist, if she is leaving soon; get her to recommend some other therapists before she goes. Or, if you can't access her now, consider visiting your GP for a recommendation instead. And if seeing a psychiatrist doesn't feel like the correct path, by all means, don't make yourself open up to that type of professional again.

I don't know if you've ever tried Alcoholics Anonymous, but it may work for you, and some people do find it life-saving. I will say this: don't feel discouraged or hopeless in your sobriety if AA doesn't work for you. It didn't work for me, and I thought I was doomed, because it was described to me as the be-all-and-end-all of alcohol use disorder treatment. But there are many ways to get sober, stay sober, and handle relapses if those come your way. There is hope. There are so many different tools to try wielding in this effort.

For many of your questions, especially things related to medical conditions and next steps, I really do recommend speaking with a doctor. From what I have seen, people here in the forums are full of good intent and genuine empathy, but it sounds like you would really benefit from objective medical guidance in addition to community support.

I am wishing you all the best. We are here for you.

[Alifewithoutjoy]

Thanks @RiverSeal , I think some connection would be good for me so will check out the links 

[Alifewithoutjoy]

Thanks @Oaktree, appreciate it

[tyme]

We are glad you have you here with us @Alifewithoutjoy .

We hope you get the support you deserve.

tyme

[Alifewithoutjoy]

Hi @D1ng0 ,

Thanks for the response. It's rather humbling to be validated like that, the overwhelming sense is that I simply don't deserve it and shouldn't need it. Thank you.

I will take your advice and reconsider the medical options. I'll be honest my prevailing thought was just to walk away from it all but I don't think that's my rational brain talking. I hear what you say about AA (and it's lovely to meet someone else who can relate to the experience of stopping) but I don't think I can do it. I have a good support network through the 'hello Sunday morning' group for staying sober.

Thanks again

[D1ng0]

Morning @Alifewithoutjoy, no worries at all. You deserve to be validated. It makes complete sense to need support, and to hear that your struggles matter, because they do.

Definitely do what feels safest for you, but also what feels possible considering your understandably limited energy. It might be a really good idea to access a new therapist, even if you start off by only seeing them occasionally. That gives you the option to access more therapeutic support later, with a relationship already established, but you can take it slow if that feels more accessible right now. Laying the groundwork for deeper therapeutic work can really benefit you later, even if you don't have the emotional bandwidth to go that deep at the moment.

I'm so happy to hear that you have a group which can help you with your sobriety. That is awesome. (And, to be honest, I'm also relieved to meet someone else who has stopped AA.) Definitely stick with Hello Sunday Morning. Perhaps some of the other attendees could recommend therapists or counsellors that they have found helpful?

[Minkie-Rose]

Hi @Alifewithoutjoy 

No need for apologies.

Thank you so much for reaching out and for sharing your life's journey - it takes a strength of character to acknowledge one's challenges.

What I am hearing is that you have a lot going on at the moment. With this in mind, it might be helpful for you to prioritise things into 'bite-sized chunks'. 

In regards to your relational concerns, there are many counselors/therapists out there to support you in building genuine and lasting friendship. I also wonder, have you considered joining an interest group?

Lastly, I admire your strength in abstaining from alcohol and other drugs. Similarly, your recognition of the potential harm of online media etc., shows a high level of self and social awareness.

What do you think? @Minkie-Rose