Lived Experience Forum

[StanD]

I hate my life. I hate everything. I hate people. I hate that I have to be here. I hate depression. I really hate trauma. I hate that I have to take medicates & see people who are meant to help me, but really they don't. I hate that I am bored out of my brain. I hate that I am being pessimistic. I hate that I can't find an answer. I hate that I am alone. I hate that I am constantly overwhelmed with the responsibilities of life. I hate that people think it's ok to make fun of me. I hate that people think it's ok to abuse me, neglect me. I hate that NoW, all of a sudden I am expected to know how to have friends,  relationships, build a life for myself, when all I've ever known is abuse. I hate that I am out, but severely suffer the aftershocks of what has happened to me. I hate that no matter how much I try, & be conshenshus, ,& have superior intellectual insight, it makes no difference in the end. I hate that my problems bleed into other people's lives. I hate that I am depressed ,& I wouldn't want to be around me. I hate that I am expected to suddenly trust people ,,,- when I feel like, where were these people when I really needed them. Where was anyone to step in & fking protect me before the damage was irreversible. I hate that every light I see, contains a darkness. I hate that I am only me in a world too big to perceive & too terrifyingly to comprehend. I hate the psycho babble, of try this therapy - go back in time & imagine someone saving you. I hate that I feel like no one can possibly understand how fking alone I feel. How much I want company, but cannot find the right company for me. I hate that I cannot leave the house & go for a swim. I hate that food is my only true nourishment & pleasure. I love chocolate biscuits so much. I hate that I can't eat a packet without regret & getting fat. I would eat a pack a day, I love them so much. I hate that I feel all this hate all the time. And if one person writes that they are sitting with me, or hang in there, I am really going to hate that. I only want to hear from other people who hate like I do.

[Jynx]

Hey @StanD I feel you. Just seeing the part about how you're expected to know how to make friends and build a life when you've been through the terror and emotional pain of abuse, flares up my anger. Expectations are so often thrust upon us with absolutely no consideration of our history or capacity - humans are experiential learners, if all we've ever experienced is abuse and neglect, it can feel impossible to then be motivated to seek out relationships and connections, let alone feel safe within them. I think that's where having a really good therapist is immensely beneficial - not someone who rattles off psychobabble and throws CBT homework at you, but someone who takes the time to build trust, safety, and connection, and treats you like a person. Who can give you the experience of a safe, secure relationship, something so different to what you've been put through. 

It took me 25 years to find 'my' people, and up till that point the social isolation was killer, really destroyed my sense of self-worth and motivation to continue. I hope it doesn't come across as condescending for me to say that I hope you find your people too. People who practice radical kindness, who don't BS you, who resonate with you and your values - they're out there somewhere. 

I love that as I was reading, it was almost like a poem, and that one line about chocolate biscuits really interrupted the flow - in a good way! Like an interjection of a single ray of light amongst the darkness. Reminds me of a friend of mine who was on the verge of suicide, and said to herself that if she could find one thing in this world that she loved, she'd stay. She had the thought, 'I love marshmallows' - and stay she did, and she is doing way better now. So whether it's choccie bix, marshmallows, or watching the leaves fall and spin on the wind (a thought that helped me stick around when I was suicidal), sometimes the littlest things can be a whole world of meaning for us. If it keeps you going, then a whole pack of choccie bix every now and again is a-ok in my opinion! 

To my mind, hate stems from pain, and pain often is the result of not being loved in the ways that we need. So I hope that me sending this love to you 💜🫂 is meaningful to you, even in some small way. 

[Jasper_123]

Hi @StanD , I really resonate with what you've written and the feelings it expresses. It feels like something the me of a few years ago would have written. For many years (and still now) I feel like I have been playing catch up because it took so long to learn to handle the mental illness I developed as a result of childhood trauma. How are we meant to know how to do things if nobody supported us to learn? And then we are made to feel stupid or less than for this. 

I am not going to tell you what to do but I want to acknowledge that I have been in a similar place and that there have been things that have helped me manage my mental health - I stand by you and a love for a chocolate biscuit, what's your favourite? I'm a sucker for a choc digestive with a cuppa. 

[StanD]

Thanks @Jynx  & @Jasper_123 

Thankyou for your heartfelt words. 

I don't know exactly how to describe; I know you are writing because you truly care.

 - in this state - it doesn't get thru. 

It makes me angry. Not everything you wrote, certain sentences, upset me. Made me feel like you didn't see me at all.

I don't know what the correct response is. 

And I really do appreciate the love in your words.

I think, if I was going to respond to me, I might say 

" It's ok to hate. Hate as much as you want. I hate so many things about my life too etc etc."

Focusing on the chocolate biscuits maybe feels like toxic optimism. -  And it was interesting, because you saw thing that I didn't see in me.

@Jasper_123 playing catch-up

This describes so much of what I feel. All the people around me, they have their lives, family, work, excercise, friends. Everyone I see like so normal. I feel so behind. I get scared driving to the local shops. I feel so out of my depth - & it's such a simple thing. 

I want to do so much, - I have all this fear holding me back. 

I feel so angry that I am stuck here. It is not normal fear, that we can overcome- it is trauma. I haven't had this before. My body shuts down for hours at a time. I'm scared to go out & visit friend because I can't rely on body to be able to get back & I need to feed & look after my whimsies.... Hmm that is is strange word, it was autocorrect, obviously I meant to type animals. 

I wonder what whimsies are?

@Jynx I know you put lots of thought into your reply, & the intention & words were beautiful.

I can't explain - it's not where I am at. The last thing I want to do is offend people. But I must be able to express my truth too 

(Even if it is wrong ¿)

In life - there are things - no matter how you look at it - they are crap, & they suck.

They are horribly unfair, they are terrifying, they are too shocking to be true. We live our lives, blind. How can we get through a day, if all the bad things in life were at the forefront of our mind everyday? None of us would be able to operate.

At Church, the pastor was talking about the environment for clean up Australia Day. There were group of church volunteers collecting rubbish from local beach. One volunteer found a flysrcreen. He said, ' you name it, it was there.'

Then as the pastor was speaking about our earth, he says, 'I wonder what our response would be, if it were humans getting caught up in plastic & dying, - instead of the sea life.?' 

'would we have more of urgency to help them?'

(Or similar)

I don't know, at times, if I don't know what to say - that's what I say. Silver linings can be torture.

That is my truth.

I am sorry if I offended anyone.

Real friends are honest with each other.

[StanD]

P.S @Jynx in that last line you wrote about where hate stems from. 

That bit got me. I felt listened too & you were connecting with me. 

I wanted to let you know. I felt like I was learning.

[8ppleTree]

Hey @StanD 

I went to the beach the other day to work with a seal with trauma to its neck. Jet ski, plastic. Not sure. It **** me off. 

Not being able to do the things I want/ed to do for years due to trauma - **** me off. 

The fact others go through this, despite the human race knowing better - *** me off. 

Anyway - who says you're wrong?! Grecian art's bodily ideals, heart health, and chocolate biscuits in a sugar cane industry.. enjoyment in a world that so often says no, that we are then meant to live in shame?! - *** me off. 

Can't find the right words - *** me off. 

Maybe we need a 'Rant Tuesday'?!  

Feel your frustration. I had a day yesterday. Others couldn't fully meet me in that place. Maybe it was a good thing. I don't want to stay there. But it was my place, my truth. So I get that this is yours. 

Signing off x 

[StanD]

Hey there @8ppleTree thanks for the reply. Yes, it does feel cathartic in a way to hear you complain.

Very much. 

I feel like I need to yell until somebody actually does something to see what we are doing to each other, see the pain that we hide under the table on our laps like a napkin, or serviette, whilst above the table we wear fake smiles & lie about how great our lives are 

I think it is not good to always be in this angry mood. One day per week is fine with me. I can't get there.

Maybe rant Tuesdays is excellent idea. 

It's not always easy to see what the heathy option is.

I don't want to be fake. And now, I am thinking of laughter therapy groups. 

Yes - expressing emotions is very important. And if person has been silenced, I would think that any emotions expressed is a healthy excercise.

And, then also - we want to encourage each other to live better, stronger lives. - & not have to feel angry all the time.

Thankyou @StuF how are you going? I feel bad I forgot to tag you in everything music. My brain was doing it's best.

Thankyou for supporting my post here.

Thankyou @Appleblossom Apple for reading with me.

[StanD]

https://youtu.be/mctjhavcdeQ?si=nksgfVsNZhtDfkbv 

I'm not sure. It sounds like me!

[StuF]

Hiya @StanD 

Sorry, I meant to get back to you earlier!

Sad to see you're struggling...wish I could assist somehow 😞

Guess I can listen (read) if getting it 'off your chest' helps at all

Anyway, I'm going ok thanks. Employment issues, but not bad beyond that and that will work out.

Never feel bad for not tagging me. I should tag You more often.

I hope there is some good in your weekend

[StuF]

@StanD 

PS I like the video!