Lived Experience Forum

[ZZm1]

Hi I have BP2 and have been trying for over a year to see a psych to change my medication which clearly is not working. Each day I am struggling to beat suicidal thoughts, which is getting very tiring. I can certainly understand when someone takes their own life as there is no support anywhere. I live alone and that makes it much worse. I don't see reaching out is going to solve this. What I need is medication change, I should know I have had a lot of experience. But would like to talk to anyone in same situation, it helps for a while. I have pushed the doctor and even she is helpless to help in the mental health system. Apart from going to hospital which I cannot do because I have pets. I don't know what to do and the fight is too hard. I have been in this lull for 3 long months now.

[tyme]

Hey @ZZm1 ,

When I first read your post, I was thinking, you may need to turn up at a hospital. But since you have pets, it's different. 

Is it possible for a medication review through another psych? 3 months has been long enough for you to know things are not going well. 

I'm sorry how hard things are for you at the moment.

I just hope you feel warmly welcomed here on the forums. It's great to have you with us.

[Tilz]

Hi @ZZm1  We are here for you.. You seems like so caring person. How are doing now? 

[ZZm1]

Thank you xxx

[ZZm1]

Hi Tilz, Still reading reading where I can get help fast. Apart from admitting myself I can't see anything. It's bad enough I will have to face this challenge again when I have a hip replacement. But one thing at a time. I have to read about suicide and everything about it to keep my mind off me. It's not me that wants to do it, but my sick mind and I get that. But the force is so so strong that I sometimes can't fight anymore so I go looking for a way out. But I do have a special cat that keeps me alive every day but not even she will hold me for much longer. It is such a helpless state to be in, and it happens over and over and you can't stop it. Medication does bugga all so I think they should have a good look and make a big change. But there in lies the problem. Unless I pay hundreds of dollars for a private one it won't happen in the near future. Anyway how are you

[Tilz]

@ZZm1  I'm doing good. You are a so strong character. Don't ever read the suicide things. Your force is better than those. And try something new to keep your mind off from those. What about a good walk with pets. You can fight against those thoughts. We are holding with you. Do you know sometimes our thoughts are the best medication for us. its free of charge. 😁 If we keep on worrying and thinking about those thoughts. It try to plant inside us. So the best thing to cure it is, Lets plant something positive. lets fight against those unwanted thoughts. I see you are so lovely person. Holding hand with you. whenever you need.❤️

[ZZm1]

Yes that is all true and I should not be reasurring my thoughts but Im afraid my mind controls me and it always has and I hate it. I am an artist i play guitar and sing and have many hobbies and garden that I love to death, but when I crash it all stops. Like going from heaven to hell and I have no control what so ever, but even so I try try as I know it will pass, but when. Most of my life has been wasted fighting this never ending battle. I feel for those in deep depression or feeling overwhelmed and I hope they too can keep fighting. But what for it keeps coming back

[ZZm1]

Also the days and nights are so long because I have no intention of doing anything.  I usually spend every night painting till all hours. Play guitar every day. Do some Karaoke with my friend. Always busy till bed time. But suddenly all comes to a halt and i am lost and overwhelmed and squirming in my own skin. It is such a horrid feeling. I can't tell my friends or my sister as I don't want to worry them. Being alone is the worse bit though. 

[ZZm1]

I going to bed for a while, is nice to have someone around. Night

[tyme]

How are you feeling today @ZZm1 ?