Lived Experience Forum

[Bamo]

Hi all I'm new feeling very alone with my BPD and anger issues 

It's taken 11 years for the right diagnosis. I feel like over the years I've damaged the relationship with my boyfriend who I've been with for along time and I can see that he's exhausted even though he has tried to help with my episodes if not just my anger and outburst but my anxiety attacks and on going not wanting to go to any social events though im ok If socialise in my home. 

Should I let him go and be free from me and my mental health problems, because im sick of him being in a toxic non normal relationship with me. Thought I have got some what a tiny bit better in fights not over reacting because in past Every little thing I would turn into a big thing instead of thinking of first. 

I get suicidal when I can't control My anger because I don't want to be that person im not suicidal but in the past I'm just so sick of not being able to control may anger. I find if someone is ignoring me the rage is worst. 

Any kind of advice would be great becuase it has made me feel like the worst person In the world and it's effected My relationship with my mum but the boundaries I've set to help myself to have a healthy relationship with her goes over her head.

Im exhausted and need help I'll be greatful for anyone's advice to help my BPD issues im sick of hating myself. And making everyone who I love hate me. 

.

[wordman]

@Bamo Hello. You hate yourself so that is your projection. Naturally people are going to "not hate you" but perhaps not want to be around you. You deserve better. Where is your nurturing ? where is your love ? 

Regards 

Wordman

[Miss-wish]

Hi @Bamo,

It sounds like your journey to finding answers has been a hard one, and I don't understand BPD. SANE has a guided service of people with lived experience that understand how you feel and what you have been though, they are available 10 to 8 Monday to Friday on  1800187263   or https://www.sane.org/referral 

if you need help sooner please call 

Lifeline

13 11 14

Suicide callback service  

1300 659 467

@tyme do you know of anyone with lived understanding that can help? 

[Bamo]

Thank you so much for you're reply and the number and contact information. I'll contact this number during the week. I really appreciate the advice 🙏 

[tyme]

Hey @Bamo ,

I can certainly relate. I have BPD too, and at the moment, things are tricky with me lashing out at people. 

It can be so unpredictable, and yes, it can affect so many people around. 

I had MBT treatment over the course of 18 months, and it's been a godsend. Things have improved so so much so that I can at least function in society.

I acknowledge it's not easy. Yet I can see you have insight into what's not working for you and that's the main thing. It allows you to get started with finding the appropriate supports.

I look forward to hearing a little bit more about what you have and haven't tried. Feel free to join us at Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script 

[tyme]

Hey @Bamo ,

How are you today?

I'm hearing you about BPD and anger. I had one of those days today....

It happens to the best of us. 

Please know you are not alone.

tyme

[MayaBird07]

Thanks for your post. It's like you were telling my story. It's nice to know I am not alone with having been in that situation. 

Try not to be so hard on yourself, BPD is a rollercoaster and its difficult to manage when under stress. There are strategies you can do to help calm yourself, but I found it so hard to implement them in the moment and it takes time to find what works for you. 

I know the feeling of being a burden on my partner and it can trigger me in to getting more panicky and worked up. Thats when I start to get suicidal thoughts (idealisation) . I am grateful I have had some good supports around me to help me learn to understand my condition better. 

Take good care of yourself, and give yourself a little forgiveness. 🙂 

[Jasper_123]

Hi @Bamo , fellow human with BPD here. 

I relate to a lot of what your saying. For me the worst part of my BPD is the anger! And after the anger the shame with myself for feeling that intensely over normally small things. 

I have learned to look at the things that are making me angry and dig deeper about what's actually triggering these responses. 

Another thing is seeing if my level of response matches the situation at hand - Do you think a friend would react to the same situation the same way? 

[Bamo]

Hi @Jasper_123 

Thanks so much for sharing you're similar experiences and what works for I lash out with out thinking alot of the time. So I like what you said here: 

"Another thing is seeing if my level of response matches the situation at hand - Do you think a friend would react to the same situation the same way? " 

This is very true. Plus I get alot of "you treat me like an enemy" so understand what that ment and hearing that made me really change some habits made me look outside myself and think wow I never wanted anyone to think that way especially the person im so very in love with. 

[Bamo]

Hi @MayaBird07 

Thanks so much for you're word of wisdom. I'm trying to get as much help as I can. Thanks so much for replying to me you've giving me hope 🙏 I wish to be like you and have a better support from my mother with my triggers because we don't have the best relationship due to my BPD anger and I try to practice healthy boundaries to stop the anger but she doesn't take in and respect those things so I can move forward. Though I could never leave me boyfriend becuase he's the love of my life I just wish he didn't have to put up with my anger that is mostly set off from stress from my mother. 

I'm never going to give up and glad to have you're words to read especially the forgiveness part because i feel ive done so much damage that I don't deserve to  have love from others .