I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Yes.. I spent 4 hours doing absolutely nothing. @tyme. I did have times when people were in there with me but mostly I was on my own! It was a really long afternoon! All the mechanical trucks were in use and the electric trucks don’t do well with wet roads. They slide all over the place and are dangerous for what I was doing. 

I’ve just had a shower and found mud on me that must have fallen down the front of my shirt! My clothes have been sprayed with stain remover and are soaking. The drips that fell on my from the truck had coal dust in them so that stained everything 

I havent looked for snake memes. I’m too scared as to what I could find. There is too much risk involved. 

I want to have a healthy fear/respect for snakes. I don’t want to be complacent as we have a lot of browns and they are quite dangerous especially with dogs. But to be able to enjoy the backyard again. To watch the dogs do zoomies around the yard. Just to be out there without having an anxiety attack. Well it borders on a panic attack. 

Yes. The snake game is safe. I never thought to Bluetooth them. 

I scream if a big dog comes near me or a jump back and I won’t touch one unless it’s a breed that I see as safe! 

That must have been hard to want your dog but be fearful at the same time. At least you had done all the work previously. 

[tyme]

It's defo a work in progress @Captain24 . It's not something done over night. 

I guess you need to look at the benefits of going out vs the challenges of going out. 

I hear you about snake memes. I woudn't look them up either if I were in your shoes. I'm just trying to think how you can make a new association with snakes to replace the harmful one.

Also, I've been taking Ruby for a walk and she seems to want to be around other dogs, but as soon as they come near, she hides behind me. I feel sorry for her. She's not out of control scared, but I can  see she's not comfy around dogs either.

I'm getting more and more attached to Ruby... didn't take long lol

[Captain24]

I’m one of those people that want results straight away @tyme. I know I have to do the work but I want to try really hard so that I can fix it.

It’s not easy is it. Snakes don’t really have a good wrap! 

Do you have a dog park near you? Maybe she may make friends there? I don’t know. At least it’s a start that she wants to be around them. I hate how one dog can change everything. Pix is scared of black dogs especially large ones. She was 12 weeks old when she had her fright. 

Are you comfortable to ask if you can pat the other dog? Maybe if she sees you are safe maybe she may feel a little safer? Do you have church friends with little dogs that could come for a short, really short play date?

Im thinking Ruby is more your dog! I’m not sure,, but didn’t you say you wanted nothing to do with the pup and you weren’t going to get attached! 😜 

Ive just taken double of my AD and don’t feel very well at all. 

[tyme]

I generally only have time for a few laps around the park at the end of my court. I don't have enough time to drive to the enclosed dog park even though it's only 10 mins away. @Captain24 .

I used to take her, but I'm really stretched on time, so I'd rather do a few extra laps with her in those 10 mins there and 10 mins back to the dog park.

I'd love to continue chatting, but i gotta go.

I hope the meds are okay. Might take time to get used to the med changes.

I'll catch you when I'm on next.

Good night.

[Captain24]

Hey @Jynx 

Im writing this now as I may not have time tonight before work. I’ve been so tired lately that I’m having trouble waking up. My period is due in a couple of days so I’m guessing that’s one of the reasons. 

I was listening to the football at work yesterday afternoon. The tigers scored a try and the music they played over the stadium was ‘heeeyyy Baby Oh ah!’ I thought of you straight away. 

I looked for turtle chips at our local woollies and they had them. They are sooo good but I’m guessing so naughty at the same time. I’m taking some to work tonight for a snack! 

I hope you have had a good few days off. If I don’t catch you tonight I’ll see you tomorrow night as I have the night off! 

Talk soon. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 yeah I was soooo weary last week, I deffo think that may be a factor! Ugh hope it comes soon so it can skedaddle soon too!! 

Aww haha cute! I legit had the same thing, the song popped into my head for whatever reason when I was hanging w my cousin, and I was like 'aww cap' hehe cute

Oh yeah they are objectively SO UNHEALTHY it's literally deep fried wafer coated in chocolate and sugar 😅 I have had to purposefully avoid shopping at woollies cos I will buy 3 bags, foolishly thinking 'I'll make them last!' 

I do not do that. They do not last. And yet.... I will fool myself all over again the very next visit!

Ooh night off, yippee!! Any plans? And yes, 'ordering burgers and being a blob on the couch' absolutely counts as plans! 😋

[Captain24]

These days a due date means nothing! @Jynx. I guess that has something to do with my age. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it though. So I just have to figure it out myself. 

It makes me feel warm and fuzzy that you thought of me. I smiled when I heard it. 

I had sushi for dinner at 11 last night so I was full and didn’t eat my turtles. 🐢 I did buy another packet yesterday when I went shopping and I got the caramel ones too to try. 

I plan on doing some washing then going to bed. I have a psych app this afternoon, I want to do more exposure stuff even though I’m not sure I’m ready. But I need it sorted. I would like to clean my house but I’m not sure that I will! I’ve started a tweety bird Lego and I would like to do some of it. I want to set up my diamond art and see if I can try doing that again. I don’t feel the joy in anything but I guess I have to persevere and maybe it’ll come back. I need to do more than sitting on the lounge or going back to bed everyday. My life is nothing and meaningless. It really gets me down. I guess the only person that can change it is me. I’m just not sure how. Or maybe my life is suppose to be that way. Maybe that’s all I deserve. 

It was foggy at work at 4 am. So foggy that I was driving a car and had no idea where I was. I turned left at a keep left sign and ended up somewhere I shouldn’t have been. I had to get escorted to where I needed to go. I couldn’t see the road or anything. I was shaking when I finally got to my destination. Then I had to get into a truck in a run I hadn’t been on and it was foggy so I didn’t know where I was going. Not a good end to the day. 

[Captain24]

I just had my psych appointment. She didn’t want to work on the snake thing as my anxiety is so high. She said she hasn’t seen my anxiety this bad before. I have only been seeing her privately since the end of September. 

She is concerned that it maybe the increase in my AD, it could be mania. I need to see how I go in the next few days and then make a follow up appointment with the Pdoc. 

It’s like I have an electric charge going through my body. Everything is scaring me. Even me driving slowly is scaring me. I feel outta control. She didn’t ask me about SH or SI so I didn’t tell her. But it is sky high as well. 

My heart rate is constantly high, my thoughts are constantly racing. It’s like I’m on high alert at all times. It’s exhausting. I’m tired. My body is tired. 

I have to organise a gardener to come and do my lawns as I can’t and it’s making the snake issue worse. 

Why can’t I stop. Why won’t it all go away. I don't want to fight this. I don’t want to do it anymore. If it’s not one struggle it’s another. 

I have to take a hot chocolate to the training tomorrow to help ground me. She was impressed that I’ve cleaned the bath so I can come home and try to unwind. 

[Ru-bee]

Oh @Captain24 that does sound so exhausting! I'm glad that you were able to talk to your psych about it and that she was able to adjust the session accordingly 

It sounds like despite your current anxiety you're still getting things done, like sorting a gardener and cleaning the bathtub, which is pretty darn impressive!

Hot choc to ground tomorrow sounds like a lovely idea, is there anything like that you could do for yourself this evening as you try to unwind?

[Captain24]

I’m so exhausted @Ru-bee

I haven’t organised the gardener yet but I do have someone in mind. Just have to find the confidence, from somewhere, to contact him. I’m not good at reaching out. 

I’ve just ordered some pizza and then I think I’ll try for a shower. I was going to wash my hair but that’s just too much effort. I did want to look nice for my training tomorrow but I don’t think I can do it.