Lived Experience Forum

[Razza1984]

I recently turned 40... Yeah 40... And I've found myself thinking back on my life and just how... Well... to put it bluntly... shit It's been... It's been a never-ending struggle. Even from bloody birth I've done nothing but fight. I was 3 months prem, 1 pound 10oz, on bottled oxygen for first 18mths cos lungs never fully developed, and grew into this skinny runt of a kid...

Fast Forward 2 years, and lil bro appears on the scene. 10 years later and he's bigger, stronger, more successful in school, pretty much everything I'm not. I was bullied RELENTLESSLY through P.S & H.S to the point where (and I hate talking about this... *Trigger Warning...*) I tried on numerous occasions to take my own life... Obviously didn't succeed... Or am I writing from beyond the graaaaaave? No... No I'm not. But back to the story... Suffered from SEVERE depression and anxiety as a teen & young adult.

Now because my "little" brother was more successful in life, got the apprenticeships, got the sporting accolades etc, and I just got tormented, bullied, bashed and ridiculed, it got to a point where I felt as though my parents just gave up on me, as if to say I'd never amount to anything so let's just focus our energy on the one that matters...

I ended up moving in with my Nan at 18 after a massive fight with my parents... Dad has Bipolar disorder and Mum severe depression, and Dad and I clashed... A lot... I was supposed to be at Nan's for a week. I stayed there 11 years... I never went home because I never felt like 1) I was welcome, or 2) I was ever good enough. And that sucked. Now we move on to the present day. 

I'm now 40, married to my beautiful wife who I met online, and actually got to know whilst I was still living with my Nan... Nan welcomed my then girlfriend in with open arms and she would come spend the weekends with us. I then made the decision to propose, we got engaged and I moved to her home town and the rest is history. 

We have been trying to have kids for YEARS, and have had no luck. My brother has had 2 bio kids and his wife has 2 kids from a previous relationship. So he's given them Grandkids and we have given them nothing. Every time we visit, they RAVE about oh your brother has done this or your nephews & niece have done this or something else. I go to tell them something else and within 5 mins the convo is back on them... 

We always have to travel to visit them, they never come to us, but if it's my brother they drop everything and drive the 3 hours to see him rather than drive 1.5 to see my wife and I... It's like I'm never good enough and never will be... I hate feeling like my parents just don't care about me...

When we got married, my parents never even came for photos. Yet my brother's TWO weddings, both have photos with them. That absolutely gutted me that I have not one single photo of me, my wife and my parents on our wedding day... And I can't let it go... 

I just feel that I'm never good enough and I never will be seeing I never met their lofty standards, but as soon as we give them Grandkids the story will change... Why???

[Academica]

Hi there @Razza1984,

Welcome to the forums! 

Thank you for sharing your life story and experiences here. We hope that you find the forums to be a great place to connect with other members, share stories and ideas, and find the support and connection you deserve in order to feel that you are good enough.

Feel free to Introduce yourself here if you haven’t already!

We look forward to seeing you around on the forums!

[Alisse]

Hi @Razza1984 

Thanks for sharing what sounds like a painful journey of feeling second best to your brother. 

What a blessing you had your Nan, to offer you a safe place and a feeling of acceptance.

I'm glad to hear you have a supportive wife, and I wish you all the best in your desire to create a family of your own. 

I too grew up in a household where I felt second best to my sibling, and I have struggled much of my adult life with not feeling good enough.

I have found peace in myself, knowing that I am a good person, that my values and beliefs are not those of my parents, and that I can do life on my terms and honor my right to live a happy life. 

I hope that you can find strength in knowing you have a right to live free of judgment and find within yourself the acceptance you desire from your parents.

You sound like a sensitive soul, who just wants to matter to those you care about, be proud of your ability to care, and surround yourself with other people who value you as an individual. 

Best of luck on your journey, from one black sheep to another.

Kindly Alisse.

[espressologic]

Hi @Razza1984, welcome to the forums.  I felt a lot of things while reading your post: sadness for the struggles and pain you’ve been through, inspiration for how you’ve been able to keep going despite feeling underseen and undervalued, and even a smile or two (I really like your writing style and dark sense of humour!).

You’ve felt overlooked and overshadowed by your brother over many years, which is big enough in itself, but that has also had a deep effect on your relationship with your parents.  That level of hurt doesn’t go away overnight.

But (you knew there was a but coming!) like @Alisse says I hope you can hold up a mirror to what you have managed to do in building a life and relationship with your wife, alongside the love, care and acceptance you had from your Nan.  There are people in your life who see you and love you for who you are.

I know it’s not as simple as waving a magic wand to make the feelings go away, and with the struggles around having kids there’s an ongoing reminder of feeling like you don’t have your parents’ approval or recognition, or that you need to compete for it.  You don’t need to earn being worthy, though. 

While not in the same situation as yourself, I have, as a childless person, found myself making comparisons against my peers with children – these are ultimately external criteria we’re setting up for ourselves.  I hear your deep desire to have kids of your own, and I hope you can keep finding a way forward with that on your own timeline and not feeling lesser because it’s taking you a lot longer than you had hoped (as an adopted child, my parents had to wait many years for me to pop up!)

It's ok to mourn the relationship that you wish you could have with your parents.  You may never get straight answers about why they behave the way they do.  It’s also ok to put boundaries in place to protect your own peace and prioritise the relationships in your life that give you the love you deserve; with your wife and others in your support circle.  Sometimes family is the family we make, and that’s what you’ve been able to do very successfully.

I hope you feel a bit less alone by sharing your story here, and it would be great to hear more when you’re ready.

[Shaz51]

Good morning @Razza1984 

How are you going today 

We are here for you and you are not alone my friend 

I was emotionally,  mentally and physically abused by my father until mum and I left when I was 11 but he kept rejecting me until his passing 

Great you have your wife that is supporting 

And even though we can move on a little and doing things in our lives , the past always have to raise its head 

Tagging @PinkFlamingo , @tyme over here 

Hello @espressologic , @Alisse , @Academica 🙂

[tyme]

Hey @Razza1984 ,

You are not alone being a black sheep - join my club lol 🙂

Whatever it is, I've learnt to embrace your situation and run with it. We can't change being a black sheep I reckon.

[PinkFlamingo]

Hey there @Razza1984 🙂🌺💜

thanks for sharing your story 🌺

and a heartfelt sorry for what you’ve been through. If I was standing right there beside you I’d give you a hug and tell you all that which has gone before is in the past, and all that lays before you in the future is yours to create in any way you choose. The biggest decision is whether the people who have not given you what you need are continued to be given the power they are given, or you choose to use that strength and energy in your own life. 
If track records are true, I’m not expecting any miracles in their behaviour towards you, and so I can extrapolate from that that they won’t ever give you the value, worth, and credence you deserve when you have children… and anyway, would you want your little ones to be tools of uncertain love which may never come, and then they are subject to the same cycles of rejection and shame for being who they are? 💜🌺

I say this with gentleness, and with care, and with the wisdom of living much that has given me 20-20 vision, and without the need to mention what I’ve been through, suffice to say it’s been harrowing, because that utter crap has no place in my life or your life moving forward into better spaces from now onwards 🙂🦩🌺

[tyme]

Hey @Razza1984 ,

I was just talking to someone today, and I thought of you 🙂

I was telling them that I was always the 'odd' one in the family. I wasn't as clever, I wasn't as 'smart', I wasn't successful and outgoing like them.....

I used to feel bad and left out, and would question why I was different.... 

And you know what? Nowadays, I celebrate who I am. I like not being like them. I don't want to be like them. I like who I am and have learnt to accept what I am. Life's too short to focus on them....

I hope you find a way to love yourself too 🙂 You deserve it.

[Razza1984]

‘Hey tyme! So very true. I need to stop focusing on the things I can't change and start on the things I can. I've wasted my life worrying about what ifs... ‘

[tyme]

Let's just say what you've been through is not a waste of time. We grow through our experiences. The main thing is that you move on from what has happened so that you don't find yourself missing out on the present 🙂 @Razza1984 

It's a learning for all of us - me included.

You deserve the best!

Hugs